Bear Stearns employee interview Part Deux

Background: JS, 35 year old male Bear Stearns employee trading equity derivatives speaks to me.

Me: It's Wednesday a few days after it was announced that BS will be sold to JPM for $2 a share. What are you doing at work?
JS: It's a funny situation because I'm in trading. For example, right after giving notice of quitting, a trader wouldn't be allowed to trade. I feel like there's no benefit to making money and no repercussions for screwing up. I used to trade with a conscience as if it were my own money and felt I had a stake in it but now it feels like trading someone else's money. It's a weird feeling. I still do the right thing but I could imagine cases of abuse.
Me: Are you actually working? I'd probably be gossiping with my co-workers if I were in your situation.
JS: Yes, I am [working]. But there's a lot of web surfing.
Me: Does Bear Stearns block porn?
JS: Yes, but you can still get some pretty good soft stuff.
Me: Tell me the latest internal news.
JS: We're waiting to hear tomorrow on a short term retention package for the next 3 months.
Me: Have people been laid off yet?
JS: No.
Me: Have there been a lot of quittings?
JS: More than I've seen before.
Me: I'm going to change the topic. What do you think about Eliot Spitzer and the whole prostution thing?
JS: I can't believe how expensive it was and that there has to be a cheaper way.
Me: I meant do you think it's right or wrong? Should he have lost his job over it?
JS: He has to lose his job because it's not good behavior for a public official. I don't personally hold anything against him besides losing respect because he got caught.
Me: How is common is using prostitutes?
JS: I just don't know.
Me: Do you know anyone who's used one?
JS: Not to my knowledge.
Me: What do you think about the new governor, Paterson? He came out in the news about having extra-marital affairs.
JS: I think hookers are better than affairs especially when you have a family.
Me: I'm going to kill you either way if you do, but what is your logic?
JS: A hooker presumably doesn't have emotional attachment, but in an affair it comes to question if you love that person or not. Where do your loyalties lie might be in question. An affair can pull apart a marriage. Hookers can pull apart a marriage too but only if the wife gets mad.
Me: Why wouldn't the wife get mad over a hooker?!
JS: (long pause) I can't think of a reason why she wouldn't get mad. But in the affair she'd probably get more mad. With hookers you generally don't leave your wife for one but you might with an affair.
Me: Let me set the record straight and just say that they're both bad. I don't think it's a good idea to have a moral hierarchy to condone one behavior over the other.
Back to BS: Are people really working?
JS: Yes, but people are unabashed about working on their resumes, talking to headhunters or going on interviews.
Me: What are you doing?
JS: I have to maintain my trading positions. I still address customer orders.
Me: Are you getting the same amount of business as if this whole thing didn't happen?
JS: It's a lot less.
Me: Is it true that there are psychologists on site to counsel employees?
JS: There always are. There's also a hotline for people to call. They're sending out more reminders of these existing services.
Me: How do they word these reminders?
JS: I don't know, I mostly ignore them.
Me: Don't you want to use one for free?
JS: No, do you think they know more than me and you?
Me: Do you feel like employees are engaging in some kind of camraderie or kumbaya based on going through this tragedy together?
JS: No. It's more of a competitive situation. It's not like a sinking ship that we're all going down together. There are different options based on who you know, what your skills are, etc. So people are in different situations, which takes the camraderie out. It's far from hopeless.
Me: The rumor is that 5000 people or so who will lose their jobs, how will the economy absorb them? Will they find jobs?
JS: I think so. There are other options like the hedge fund industry. A lot of people will go to the buy side. People can move geographically too.
Me: Are going to miss your sweet Grand Central commute?
JS: Yes especially when it's raining.
Me: Anything interesting or juicy going on?
JS: I heard a story, I don't if it's true that Alan Schwartz got beat up in the gym. And that Jimmy Cayne has a full time body guard now.
Me: I found a 47 page merger agreement published on the Bear Stearns website. What do you think of it?
JS: I didn't know about it until you mentioned it and it was an interesting read. Employees probably don't know it's there.
Me: I'm surprised it wasn't circulated as an internal memo. Have there been any internal memos? What are they about?
JS: It's pretty lame.
Me: Are you not at liberty to discuss them?
JS: They're so unmemorable.
Me: And you have a steel trap memory...
JS: There's no integrity with management so I don't even want to read.

Invisible hand and iron fist

How does one sue the government or can you even sue the govt? I'm wondering about this question because obviously a lot of BS employees and stakeholders are pissed at the Fed.
And when you sue the govt what can you get? Govt officials can stand to lose only their jobs, I can't think of anything else. The plaintiffs don't stand to gain anything. I'm trying to think of situations where the US government has committed wrongs (maybe even sins!) and what the repercussions were. In the case of annexing Hawaii illegally -- nothing but a statement of apology. In the case of slavery, the myth of 42 acres and a mule.
I guess in times of trouble, like during the Great Depression, the government tends to take a very active role. A sure sign we're headed towards something of that nature given the events over the past few days...I guess we let everything run merrily along under laissez faire which created the crisis in housing/sub-prime/lending. Now the Feds have to step in. Adam Smith is rolling in his grave.

News from this morning's WSJ

Finally, the first meaty story on Bear Stearns! I can really sink my teeth into this one.
A couple of reactions:
1. Seems like the Fed took control of a supposed free capital markets, much to the detriment of Bear Stearns. They forced the sale of BS over the weekend.
2. JPM covets 383 Madison (the building)
3. Everybody loves Chinese food (this is what JPM ordered while conducting due diligence).
4. The Fed's decision to open the discount window for investment banks is a few days too late for Bear. :(

Here's a semi-interview/personal account from BS employees' perspectives.

Bear Stearns employee interview

Full disclosure: I got scored this interview by sleeping with the interviewee. Is this unethical?

Background: JS, 35 year old male Bear Stearns employee trading equity derivatives speaks to me.

Me: How long have you been working at BS?
JS: 8 months.
Me: How do you feel about the current situation?
JS: I feel that management let me down and the Fed also.
Me: How so?
JS: I think it was important for the Fed to open the discount window to investment banks, all at the same time. If they'd done that a week ago, it might have prevented Bear Stearns from collapsing. [As for management], I think it took management too long to recognize they had a problem.
Me: Can you elaborate?
JS: Even I noticed the problems. I noticed our funding costs going up. I noticed some unusual trading activity on the 30 and 35 strike puts when the stock was trading at $80.
Me: So why didn't you buy some of those puts so we'd have a lot of money for our retirement and our kids' college education funds if you suspected something going down?
JS: As employees, we're not allowed to buy or sell the stock.
Me: What do you think about the JPM deal?
JS: It seems like they arrived at a very discounted number and even some of what JPM said suggested that they think they bought it for cents on the dollar. I believe they expect to harvest much of that value.
Me: Is the culture of firm ownership true?
JS: I don't know if it's forced upon people with a 5 year vesting period or whether it's a natural respect for the company, but there is a very high percentage of employee ownership. There is some element of belief that to own the stock is to be loyal to the company. But I also heard that your shares don't vest for 5 years, if that's true, I am extremely unimpressed with the Bear Stearns stock plan. (Average is 1-3 years vesting period)
Me: What was it like going in to work Monday? What did you expect?
JS: It was actually business as usual day.
Me: C'mon...really...It didn't feel as pivotal or emotional as going in to work like after 9/11? Your company went bankrupt overnight...
JS: No.
Me: How much employee wealth do you think is wiped out?
JS: I calculated $250K per employee, but the billion dollar loss from one guy is throwing this statistic off.
Me: Do you feel bad for any of your co-workers?
JS: Yeah. Especially the ones with a lot of stock.

Me: Were there any disgruntled or emotional employees? Outbursts? Drama? Tears?

JS: There were a number of people in a delicate emotional state. No tears streaming down their faces, but they were close to crying.

Me: Are you worried about losing your job?

JS: Not really.

Me: Why not? Are you more worried about me spending money?

JS: Yeah.

JS actually just conked out and started snoring so this interview is over.

I can't bear it any more

I've been especially dissatisfied with the reporting of the Bear Stearns situation in the press:

1. I'm tired of BS referred to as a "venerable" or "storied" firm of Wall Street. Before any of this happened, BS was considered a second or third tier bank.
2. I'm sick of JPM portrayed as the rescuer or giving BS a "bailout", "harking" to a 100 year or whatever history of saving troubled firms. It's obvious to me that whatever actions taken by JPM are self-serving.
3. Nobody seems to know the terms of the deal except the $2 a share business that is often linked to annoying information like, "and only a few days ago the stock was trading at $65" or "in January 2007, a high of $171 a share". They also like to talk about how the building alone is worth over $1 billion so it seems like a "fire" sale. Maybe or maybe not? $2 a share is superficial information and it's being overblown in the stories -- great material for a comic but not enough for a meaty story. We still don't know how big were Bear's liabilities, what are the breakup fees, if any, are there executive golden parachutes, what will happen to the employees, how did JPM conduct due diligence, how/when did the Fed get involved, etc. etc.

What I really want to know are the full terms of the deal, how the parties arrived at them and the personal stories of Bear Stearns employees. All of this is lacking in the press. Believe me, I've tried -- I've read every possible article on the "fall" of the "venerable" "85 year old" Bear. They're all the same repetitive crap that reads like the Sweet Valley High series.

Need Journalism 101

What is the point of journalism or reporting? Is it supposed to tell the truth (and how is that possible?) or inform (and what's the point of that?) Most of what I read in the papers today seem tabloid-style, sensationalistic headline grabbing, superficial crap. The headlines on Cnn.com are especially abominable, as I'm sure they're written by drunken fraternity brothers on unpaid internships. I've totally boycotted this website. Now blogging, everyone knows upfront that it's personal and biased so I don't hold bloggers to the same standards of writing with those of WSJ, CNN, NY Times ilk, blah blah blah. Is blogging a kind of journalism?

Great Depression

Here are links to top stories copied from Bloomberg's website.
It's going to be Black Monday tomorrow.

· Fed Cuts Discount Rate, Opens Lending to Primary Dealers in Emergency Move
· U.S. Futures, Asian Stocks, Dollar Tumble on Fed Cut, Sale of Bear Stearns
· JPMorgan Buys Bear Stearns for $240 Million, Tenth of Its Value Last Week
· Dollar Declines Below 96 Yen for First Time in 12 Years on Subprime Losses
· Australia, Japan Company Bond Risk Surges After Bear Stearns Sale, Fed Cut
· Housing Starts in U.S. Probably Slid to 17-Year Low, Factory Output Fell
· Macquarie, Mitsubishi UFJ Slump as Credit Concerns Mount on Bear Stearns
· Ahmadinejad's Nuclear Mandate Strengthened After Iranian Election Victory
· New York Rescuers Search for Missing After Crane Killed Four in Manhattan

Artist, pimp, cheapskate or no talent?

So, you might know that I've been complaining for like 'ever about my husband being reluctant to get us a better or SLR style camera. But now that his company is going bankrupt, it's a good time to find creative solutions to avoid spending any money. So what I did today was take a bunch of pictures using different modes and then played around with some image filters. I think some of the results is pretty neat, but my mother's opinion is that the original always looked better. Josh liked some of them but I'm not sure if it's motivated by encouraging me so I can feel good about not spending any money. I look to you for an honest opinion. So without further ado, all the doctored pictures are posted below. I'm too lazy to give you both the pre-and post production pics for a side by side comparison, but hopefully some of these stand on there own. (I was pretty enamored by the focal B&W effect so you'll see a lot of that here.) So what do you think? Should I quit my day job and take pictures of my kids and pimp them? (For a larger version, click on any of the pics)

Indian Toilets!

I found this link:
http://www.pbase.com/jtodhunter/indian_toilet
And it's pretty much the same situation in Thailand -- go through the pictures/tutorial on how to use squat toilets, what to do with the hose or if the hose isn't working, how to use the mug.

Would Josh use a call girl if he wasn't deathly afraid of me and spending a dollar?

Two days ago when news of Eliot Spitzer using a call girl broke out and he gave a brief talk with his wife Silda by his side, Josh asked me if I would stand by him like so many other faithful political wives have done. Of course my natural reaction to this question is suspicion-cum-fear-cum-anger - WHAT DID YOU DO?!! I asked.
Any we worked out that if he were to have a public job and messed up in some way, personal or professional, I promised to stand next to him as he apologized to the public.

Alaska in June

We're going to Alaska in June, and I put together a pretty full itinerary, but one I think we can handle:
Day 1: arrive 8pm, pick up some quick food and drive 1/2hour to B&B in anchorage.
Day 2: drive south ~2.5 hours towards Seward. Hike Exit Glacier (2-8miles rt). Dinner & sleep in Seward.
Day3: Cruise Kenai Fjords glacier bay. Return around 5pm. Drive 1.5 hours north to Alyeska resort in Girdwood
Day 4: spend the morning in Girdwood. drive 4 hours north to Talkeetna. Take airplane tour around Denali - land on a glacier.
Day5: drive another 1.5 hours to Denali for a 12pm water rafting ride through the park. Stay near the park.
Day 6: Take a 5:30 AM bus ride deep into the park, and then out. We can get out and walk/hike wherever we want. It'll be a long long day.
Day 7: Casual, with eventually making our way back to Anchorage (5 hours) for an 8pm flight home.

Sounds like a lot of driving, and it is, but the challenge was to see Denali, and get down to see the glaciers in the same short trip ... so that's it. It should be light 24 hours a day, so we won't be constrained by the day's hours ... just by our own energy.

Bottoms up!

I can't stop talking about Cottonelle taking over Grand Central. I even saw someone (maybe he works at Kimberly Clark?) take photographs of the ads with an expensive, professional looking camera. That's never happened with any other ad. I also notice some people chuckling or smiling as they read the ads -- New Yorkers aren't rude, they're just using the wrong toilet paper. Yesterday as I met my husband at GC during our commute home, I grinned at him and said a toast, Bottoms up! He didn't know what or why, so I pointed to the Cottonelle ad, with a hand clutching a roll of toilet paper hoisted in the air, like someone making a toast with a wine glass with the words, "Bottoms up!"
Hahahahah!

I need TP for my BH!!!!

Part Trois!
A quote of RC's intriguing comments:
"I'm confused, when you don't use 2 ply, don't you just use more? I find that I use more than twice as much paper at work than at home because the paper at work is just thinner. Have you ever tried their flushable moist wipes? http://www.cottonelle.com/product_wipes.aspx
I think they're great. Sorry that the ad offended you, but I think the product is much better than Charmin or Quilted Northern (but only the plain Cottonelle, not the thicker one or the one with all the added ingredients). If you want to talk about unpleasant TP, try living in Europe."

Yes, it's true, 1 ply would cause one to use more, or put you in the compromising and unsavory position of hand meeting BH, as eloquently stated by JS. Digression point: I grew up with soft 2 ply with cloud prints - maybe it was White Cloud brand? Similar in pricing with Charmin, Cottonelle, etc. I used to love using that TP, it as so pretty and I liked thinking how I was wiping my tushy with clouds. One day my mom discovered how over generous I was with the TP and I was given the rule, only 2 sheets at a time and wipe three times. It wasn't until I met Josh that he expounded that the rule for wiping was more subtle than 3x's the charm, look at the TP after each wipe and then act accordingly.
I went to the link for the moist wipes and here's how it's advertised:
"There's nothing like that "just showered" feeling – for all-over freshness, including our bottoms! Cottonelle® brand – one kind thing you can do for your behind – pledges a shower-fresh feeling that leaves you confidently clean."
I think this gives me support that you're supposed to wash after making a turd and the shower is a good place for that. I'm a little disturbed by the phrase "confidently clean".
RC - I had no idea that Cottonelle is superior to Northern or Charmin, I really want to know and hear more why that's the brand of choice. This dog isn't too old for new tricks - I would totally switch if I knew better or different.
Adding to the insult of poor quality TP in Europe, you often have to pay for it even in public restrooms!

Cold from cold?

So there's been a pretty long-running battle between Josh and my mother. She believes that Sadie and Dazee get sick from being in the cold and she has a lot of anecdotal data to support this hypothesis. Most of this falls on deaf ears with my husband and I'm sorta in the middle. My mother's a little more invested in this battle given that she has to deal with sick kids. But Josh and I would like to kids to go out more and spend time in the outdoors. Recently I read something in a magazine about viruses surviving in the winter season but not during the summer -- so I drew the conclusion that maybe my mother is right. Even though people love to say: You can't get sick from the cold/ not wearing hats/mittens as they are transmitted through viruses. Even my Harvard-educated husband enjoyed repeating this axiom, but he failed to acknowledge the subtlety of cold viruses merrily multiplying in the winter but lying dead and dormant in the heat of the summer. I've been trying to convince Josh that my mother has a point by mentioning what I read (albeit published in a "silly" women's magazine), telling him that they call it a cold for a reason, that tropical countries don't seem to have colds/flus and that every time I go somewhere warm for the winter, I'm cured of various ailments. All of this falls on deaf ears which is a little upsetting to me that he would accept time-worn axioms over personal experiences of his wife and mother-in-law. But recently, I got more ammunition to support me and my mother, thanks to Beth's blog and this article that she pointed us all to. They actually proved that flu viruses survive and multiply in cold weather, (interesting to note that the ideal temperature for the nasty creatures is 41 degrees) and that they all died when it reached 86 degrees. Thanks Beth and take that Josh!
So it really stinks that kids shouldn't go out and play too much in the bad weather because they're going to be more likely to get sick. More reasons to move to Hawaii!

Mor-ass

It seems like my previous post on Cottonelle has garnered some really interesting and charged responses as well as confusion, so a Part Deux is required.

1. It's a total travesty that society believes that wiping with toilet paper is enough.
2. Soft toilet paper, bleached toilet paper and 2 ply toilet paper are usually a waste of resources. They're nice to have only in few and specific instances.
3. I believe you should wash your tushy after making a bowel movement. You can do this with a bidet or the good old fashioned way - jump into the shower and wash with soap and water.
4. I mentioned earlier how men get excited when women talk about sex or body parts. Well they also get excited and engaged when you talk about bowel movements. One nice thing about talking about this topic instead of sex is that you can impress them and keep them interested without leading them to believe that you might have sex with them. You get them hot and heavy without having sex or talking about sex! I never saw my husband so happy and excited to talk about something!
5. Talking about poopy is my mom's admitted interest. She takes joy in reporting to me how my kids have pooped - how many times, the consistency, etc. Doesn't that give you insight to my personality? This is the kind of daily conversation I grew up with. I have an unfair advantage over other ladies in pleasing men. Unbeknownst to my mom, all her shit talk was very good geisha training.
6. I don't like Grand Central taken over by Cottonelle because it's like plastering all of Grand Central with toilet paper. It seems disrespectful. On top of that, it's a toilet paper that I would never buy for various reasons.
7. All dictionaries should use Josh's example of niggling on fragile toilet paper, causing your finger(s) to make contact with your bh for the regret entry. That is such a vivid illustration and it is understood and accepted by everyone. It's so universal that uttering it should be the new ice-breaker (instead of the weather) - instant bonding with anyone you meet or talk to!

I hope this clears up all the questions, but I'm happy to take on any more.

I've been forced to think about your tushy and mine

Cottonelle, the toilet paper from Kleenex has overtaken the North entrance of Grand Central station with their ads. In my opinion, they are pretty immature, risque and just wrong. First off, they are using this inane tagline: Be kind to your behind. Secondly, all of the ads make reference to your butt in relation to their toilet paper. Like "We shine where the sun don't."
I think toilet paper for is pretty effective for wiping pee for women. I know that men generally don't use toilet paper when they pee, but maybe they should.
Now, for #2. I'm of the belief that the best way to clean your bottom is to wash it. Toilet paper is a good alternative when you don't have convenient access to wash your heiny. And it is nice when it's soft. But when do you need soft toilet paper? Not for wiping (you really should be dabbing) urine and not when you're at home.
Theoretically, Cottonelle is hoping that you'll convert from whatever you're using and buy their toilet paper to use in your home. But when you're home, you can easily wash your tuchis. That means you can load your home with cheap toilet paper. You might have a few rolls of the good stuff for your guests or when you're in a rush. My conclusion? I think Cottonelle just wasted millions targetting the wrong audience. Why don't they influence the decision makers at Port Authority, office buildings and other public spaces? Well I guess maybe the target audience isn't as smart or anal as me -- my dear blog readers stop spending money on the soft stuff -- totally unnecessary! I do remember that toilet paper at the Hawaiian airports (I went through 3 of them) were two ply and really soft. Now that's SMART!

An investment idea

After my rush from shopping at Costco has subsided and I'm nearly $350 poorer...I'm still amazed not only by the rising costs of food but also by how some goods are so cheap in comparison. First some prices of foodstuffs, bread for $5, blueberries for $9, green tea for $12.50, soymilk for $9, natural juice blend for $8 etc. Yes, these were all gigantic sizes but still I racked up a sizeable $200 or thereabouts, just in food. On this same trip, I also got a terrific down alternative queen size comforter for my mother for $50 and king sized down alternative pillows for me at only $5 each. They are so plump and fluffy, I feel quite pleased with this particular purchase. I'm leaning on them now as I type this blog entry. Is it just me or is that really cheap in comparison with the foodstuffs? I can enjoy these pillows until I die but the bread will only be good for 4 days. What gives?!
The investment idea is to invest in Chilean farms or fruit producers. I've noticed that a lot of produce come from Chile, like blueberries, nectarines or onions. And the prices of this stuff is no longer cheap. Don't you feel like not so long ago onions were like 9 cents a lb and all of a sudden, they're $1.50-$2.00? It's at a point where if I'm disappointed by a fruit I buy, it takes a lot of aloha spirit to not bring it back for a refund.

They need some analytical guys over at Overstock

So I'm generally really bad at math, anyone who's finished middle school can do better arithmetic than me. But last night, even I was able to comprehend what I'm going to call mathematical magic. Here goes Retail Math 101.
I bought some rugs at Overstock because they were having a 5% site-wide discount on all home decor items. I also had a 10% coupon that came in the mail. Naturally, I thought the discounts would combine in a way that would work out to be least in my favor, that I'd have to pay something like this: .9x + (.05*.9x). But I actually got this discount: .9x - (100-.95x). So excited! I don't know if I set up these equations right and they are probably more complicated than they need to be, but basically instead of taking off the 10 percent first and then taking off 5% off of the remaining, (.9*.95 for a total of 14.5%), I got a full whopping 15% off! I know I only netted half a percent more but it's still exciting that the heydey of applying multiple coupons are back!

Interests

Here's what we like to do, whether we'll admit or not. My criteria for this is that we each do this every day and can't seem to stop doing it.
1. Dazee likes to suck her fingers and mouth objects.
2. I like to shop. (I don't actually have to buy)
3. Josh likes to think and research investments and returns.
4. My mom likes to clean.
5. Sadie likes to beg for chocolate, jelly beans, chips or lollipops. She also likes to ask for more if you give her one of anything (like food or toy).
So for the adults, we've each been doing it for at least 10 years if not longer! As for my mother, I feel bad that her interest doesn't seem very enjoyable.

Now we end on a commercial break of Daisy doing her favorite activity.

Who's the boss?

So I'm sure you all know that I'm obsessed with blogs and that my favorite blog that started all of this fever is Beth's. In today's entry she made reference to Gaiam, a lifestyle purveyor of various goods, so of course I had to click on it. And I had to fall in love with everything on the website. I narrowed down one particular item that I'm especially interested in, a "stone hanger". Luckily, it's on sale, but it's still $40 for ONE! I mention this to my skin flint husband who immediately balked and started talking about how he could make one. So I sent him the picture and I think he realized that he probably can't make it without a special type of stone drill so he takes another approach to sabotage me:
"I don’t love them … they might be OK in a bathroom, but seems to me like it wouldn’t go with any of our décor … "
Normally I would retreat and go with whatever he suggests, as he seems to be right most of the time. But this time, I'm feeling a little downtrodden, having my parades rained on all the time, so I decide to take the bull by the horns:
"It would work in the bedroom which I just unilaterally decided should be in the eco theme. And I’m going to replace our sheets with organic or bamboo.
:-P"
So anyway there're two points I'd like to make about this:
1. The first is that no matter how many times my husband talks in circles, doesn't make any sense or even outright lies to me, I forget that the reason behind it all is because he doesn't want to spend any money.
2. It's become unfortunately clear to me that he's the manager and I'm the employee. This is because I'm the one complaining all the time. If I actually felt empowered (like a manager), then I'd make decisions and move forward. Instead, I'm plagued by insecurity because I have to seek approval for all of my ideas.
:-(

Guess I won't be shaking his hands any time soon.

A co-worker of mine was suffering from the inevitable crisis: dry contact falls out of eye, no spare contact or solution in sight...What do you do? If you're like me, you wash your hands and slightly wet the contact, quickly stick in back in your eye and then pray for the best - all the while worrying about scary eye diseases and problems like corneal ulcers.
If you're like him, you promptly and nonchalantly stick it back into your eye.
When he told me that his eyes were really irritating him, then gave me the history on how he got himself in that spot; I gave him my stash of contacts solution that had expired. I'm glad that he didn't bat on eyelash about the expiration date having passed (this would make my husband clap) but I was shocked by his next actions. He took the contact out of his eye, added a few drops of solution and then placed it back into his eye. I chastised him for not washing his hands. You're supposed to wash your hands before you take out or put in contacts. At least that's what everyone tells you; I've always abided by that golden contact rule. This reminds me of another rebel; I remember a schoolmate who did all the three S's you're not supposed to do with certain kinds of contacts: sleep, shower, swim. She did all three. I can't be carefree about what medical conventional intelligentsia tell me. (A real tangent here, but A. and his dad believe that withdrawal is effective birth control. It's ineffective only if you don't know what you're doing, he brags. I think my friends C. and Dixie would agree with A. Josh and I find this so incredibly unbelieveably irresponsible and risky.)
Back to my dirty handed co-worker on why he didn't wash his hands: He asserted that it was what the solution was for. Ick! I told him I needed to blog about this and inflame him. He was OK with that.

We're abominable imperialists

I'm so humiliated and embarrassed by how Hawaii became a state. We overtook their government, an existing sovereignty that we had signed treaties with in the past, imprisoned their queen and forced her to abdicate. Then when the UN Charter recommended that we give "our" "citizens" a choice whether they wished to remain a protectorate, territory, become a state or gain independence - we only gave them one choice, become a state.
We are abominable and disgusting to do this to the spiritual Hawaiian people. Here's our official apology. And an interesting analysis by a law professor about how Hawaiians can re-establish their government and independence from the US.

I could use a little Aloha spirit

So my trip to Hawaii is more than two weeks over and I have a few things to show for it. Lots of photos which I'd like to make a coffee table book out of, fading memories of good times and the concept of "Aloha Spirit". I feel a little unworthy to attempt to describe the ineffable and grand nature of Aloha spirit. But here goes, it rules your heart, mind and soul to guide all that you think, do and feel. Anyone I've talked to who's been to Hawaii will say that Hawaiians are really nice or friendly. To me, to just say that they're nice cheapens their character. They are not regular nice, like the smiles or chit-chatty superficial friendliness of the Thais or happy Californians, but these folks go out of their way to do good. I would prefer to say they have supreme spiritual connectedness. Outsiders or visitors see generous actions, but it's much deeper than that; their minds, bodies and spirits are connected with Aloha and this spiritual connectedness guides all their actions.

Nutcracker - turtle style

We saw a lazy turtle just off the beach. But the really neat sighting
was of the one swimming while we were snorkeling. The turtles we saw
were pretty big - they looked bigger and heavier than 22lb Daisy.
They swim so adeptly in the water and it's really funny to see this
big awkward thing making graceful gliding movements underwater. I felt
like an ogre in comparison with my ugly flippers and flailing
movements.

David Overtakes Goliath

Dazee, my 9 month old daughter wears size 4 diapers while, Sadie, at
2.5 years is wearing size 3 diapers. Hopefully Sadie will get toilet
trained first - chronologically (not in absolute terms because Dazee
might get trained by 2), that is.

Interesting sights on Maui

In no particular order... 1. Twinkling lights of a distant town,
tucked on a side of a volcanoe in a shape of a triangle cup bikini
top. 2. A stand of windswept trees bent in the same direction. They
looked quite whimsical yet deliberate- maybe a giant plumes lego set,
bent by a giant. 3. An amazing banyan tree that looked like a dozen or
so individual trees. Some of the branches grew giant branches that
hung so low, that they began to root into the ground; these branches
looked like separate tree trunks. This one gigantic tree took up a
plot of 100 by 100 and if you didn't know that it was one tree, you
would have thought they were an impressive stand of trees-- either
way, whether you knew it was one tree or thought it was a group of
trees, it was quite a site to behold. 4. There was a kind of pine tree
that had the shape of a palm tree. Each frond like stem were actually
composed of needles.

At 10+K Feet but feeling low

Last night I stupidly gave in to my husband's whining and agreed to
wake up at 4AM and pack up all the kids to go see the goddamn volcanoe
sunrise. I think it was everything my husband and mother hoped it to
be. For me it was pretty ho hum - I knew it was going to be and I was
miserable to go through all those hoops and effort for them to enjoy a
few measley minutes of heavenly views. I'm going to make a long list
of why this experience really sucked for me (in no particular order):
1. I knew it was going to suck but I wanted to make my husband happy.
2. I don't like rushing to get somewhere with the kids. I think it
makes everyone miserable. 3. I don't like long car rides with the kids
- they get antsy (to be expected and I don't blame them) and whiny (to
be expected and I wish they would suck it up like me). 4. We were
ill-equipped and ill-prepared. For that I totally blame my husband for
getting too excited to the point where he couldn't help me make
reasonable decisions. The winds were gusting and the temperature was
in the 40s. However we had mostly spring and summer layers on for
clothes. I worried about getting pneumonia -- that is no way to enjoy
a freakin' sunrise no matter how pretty. 5. I think Sadie, my mom and
I suffered altitude sickness. Mine was the worst - I had a massive
headache and extreme nausea. Mix with my bad attitude for a potent
combination. 6. I asked my husband to grovel for forgiveness and show
some compunction and regrets to make us all suffer. But his weak
attempt to feign such emotions were lame. 6. I despise waking up
early and this was ridiculously early -- maybe I should've stayed up
all night for it. I can't think of anything enjoyable I'd be willing
to wake up early for. I value those few hours in the morning to be in
peacefully in bed. Wow I feel so much better after writing all that
so I'll stop complaining now. I hope I didn't bring anyone down. I'll
end on a happy note -- DAZEE CAN STAND!!!! HURRAY!!!! She's so cute
and wobbly - she can do it for about a second before she shocks
herself as she loses her balance and struggles to gain it with no
success. Luckily she generally lands on her butt with a thud and
sometimes that sudden and scary sensation makes her smile, it's like a
baby carnival ride. :)

If I were fashion police

Most young women generally wear bikinis on the beach. I used to be one
of these misguided ladies until I discovered long sleeve bathing suit
tops. They are the bomb - with built in SPF 50 and quick drying
features there's no more worries about getting a burn, feeling too hot
or too cold. I no longer have to slather on a full tube of sunscreen
or suffer any shivering from going in the water. I'm not sure why
anyone would wear a bikini on the beach - it feels way too hot in the
sun's rays and too cool for a dip in the water. What would make the
most sense is if we wear water resistant burkhas on the beach and
bikinis out to dinner. But the travesty of it all, most dining
establishments ban bathing suits. Just goes to show you how much
smarter I am than most rule makers.

What we didn't plan on

The day is more than half way done, here are the highlights: 1. Seeing
whales! Seeing whales! 2. Moo tong crawling all over the beach and
rushing towards the water. I was thinking about what new and lovely
stimulation it was for Daisy - lots of synaptic connections for her
brain. 3. Perfect weather. On an anti-climatic note, Josh's carefully
planned and much anticipated itineraries are getting butchered by
stomache aches (mine), nap times, fear of public toilets and eating
too much lunch. Finally both Josh and I have agreed that oddly enough
there are a lot of similarities between Iceland and Maui.

Effects of Jet Lag?

This morning at 4am Josh woke up and had the audacity to wake me up as well with the most infuriating excitement. Let's go see a volcanoe sunrise! He said something about being in the clouds and seeing the sun rise from below it, forming a majestic canvas. Needless to say I was not in a mood for any majesty. Then at 5:30, I woke up and could not get the Josh log out of bed. I did not have anything exciting to entice waking him up with except my for my foul mouth and bad attitude.

It was so pork!

We are in Maui Hawaii! The plane rides had some low moments but
compared to a 17.5 ride to Bangkok, this was easy as pie. Or to use
another expression- it was cake. I don't know the origins or etymology
of these expressions but the Thais have a similar one. Easy as moo
(pork). Pork is a mainstay in the Thai diet, maybe more so than
chicken or beef. So if something is pretty easy to accomplish or goes
smoothly you can just say Moo! in response to, How was it? Moo is
promounced in a rising tone - as if you're asking a question. My
daughter's Thai nickname is the same word, Moo (pig) and she's fairly
easy going. I was thinking about this coincidence on the plane and it
made me smile.

In Hawaii...

We'll be traveling in Hawaii from Feb 9 - Feb 18th. I promised Frank that I'll blog a few times...we'll see.

Here's something laughable - my husband in a beret

My husband is great at supporting me in various initiatives or ideas and believe me, there are many and they are often transient since I'm a serial dabbler. However, if any of these goals cost money, I can forget about it. So I'm in a bad mood right now. I have some aspirational goals that conflict with his aspirational goal of saving every penny. I feel oppressed and resentful.
One of my ideas is really exciting to me, hiring an artist to paint murals - to bring art and more transformative feelings into our house. I'd like to paint a beach scene with palm trees and a monkey in one of our bathrooms. I'd like to transform one room into an Italian/French/Mediterranean outdoor cafe feel. I can't hire an artist but I can work with my husband to paint it ourselves. On one hand it's like hurray, that would be great to work with him and what a sense of pride and accomplishment I'll feel if the outcome is desirable. On the other hand, it's like you gotta be kidding me. I'm ready to strangle you. All this bullshit and nonsense because you're afraid to spend a dime.

Letdown

I was really hustling to get back to work on time after my extended lunch with Josh and Ari. Slowing me down were people and the rain. But only slightly, because everyone in NY is capable of doing what I'm going to call the NY Hustle. Wunning (portmanteau of walk and run) with extreme determination that nothing will impede you or impact your speed.
Well I got distracted by a sign as I was approaching a food cart, "Daisy May BBQ". As I hustled past it, I peeked inside with my peripheral vision. Awww man! What a disappointment! I saw a middle-aged guy with a beard, serving up the food. I was hoping for a buxom blonde wearing short shorts serving food with a sweet southern drawl. Deceptive marketing!

Chai yo! We're going to live it up!

Because the dollar is at a historical low in relation to the Euro, Canadian dollar yada yada, I'm making an executive decision outside my domain to spend a lot of money. We can't earn that much interest on it; the markets are rocky. So let's be wise to the situation by spending a lot of money. When the dollar gets stronger or the markets seem better or we can get better savings rate, then I'll retrench. But...by then, maybe I'll get paid more...My conclusion is, no matter what the economic climate might be, spending is always the way to go. Let's rally around my brilliant plan!!!
Three cheers!
Let's do it in Thai.
I say Chai.
(You say Yo!)
Chai!
Yo!
Chai!
Yo!
Chai!
Yo!
Hurray!!!!
Man, I should really run for office.

Big trouble brewing

Yes, it's true. I have my father in law's support to break our family apart through this blog! And he thinks I'm hilarious or at least my blog!
How's this for a mutiny -- he signed up for high speed Internet access while my mother in law's out of town. (I have to admit that I egged him on, not because she's out of town, but I think it's pretty pathetic that he's still on dial up) And it looks like they will install it for him before she gets back to Burlington. This is going to be very very interesting, to say the least.

Another great household name - Azryelle Asterius

This is a shout-out to my Thai roots...Azryelle started on another blog (yay!), Adrift in Reverie and it's terrific. Latest entry shows you (with kickass professional pictures) how to make Thai Basil Chicken - yum! Listen to this smart lady or she'll kick yer ass (Check out the badass heel on her profile pic! Just what the doctor ordered to poke the eye of an ANR pervert with.) Heehehehehehehehe!

My second presidential election in which I'm qualified to vote

I was really nervous when I took the so-called "citizenship" test even though it's a series of verbal questions on standard (read: elementary- Who's the first president of the United States? blah blah blah) knowledge of the US government. Highly charged with stress hormones, I answered all the questions that came my way in one breath. Until, "How many stars and stripes are on the US flag?" was lobbed my way. I took a really deep breath and got really nervous about this difficult question. I couldn't believe how stumped I felt.
"..I-In-n what year?" I finally sputtered and stammered. The woman giving the test gave me a really nasty look. Turns out they were just asking about our current flag. Duh. I made it more difficult than it was.
Now, what's really stumped me is the primary and delegate processes. Yesterday, as I was riding home on the train with Josh, I confessed how embarrassed I was that I had no clue about it. Josh started blathering about the electoral college. No, no, no I said, I want to know how Super Tuesday and all that non-sense works. How does the Democratic party select its nominee? Well of course the immigrant has more natural curiousity than the native. Here is a general guide, a brief historical viewpoint/analysis and a practical FAQ regarding how nominees are selected. It's all interesting stuff but sadly, it's not simple or easily digested. Even after reading 3 articles on this topic, I certainly don't want to be tested on my knowledge of it. Why do voting and taxes have to be so goddamn complicated?!

I should run for office

FS will lose respect for me if I take down my blog or parts of it. BS thinks it's not dirty enough. BL thinks it's inappropriate. An ex finds it hasty and "often wrong". And scores of other people on different sides of the fence.
Apparently, I'm controversial.

Perfect date - poring over a spreadsheet!

I enjoy working with my husband on a project. It's fun to be on his team. Last night I took home some work that can be described as spreadsheet hell. He thought hard about the problem, which means he can't talk to me and has to shush me every now and again since my team work contribution is to laugh, prance around him and prattle non-sense.
I really enjoy watching him work. He's a genius. And he doesn't give up.
Last night, I even got a compliment for setting up the calculations correctly. He told me I was a genius. OK, I might have asked him to tell me. But no matter, I got it. To me, praise from my husband is like manna from god - an unusually sudden and unexpected source of gratification, pleasure, or gain.

Only a few dollars a month will sponsor the mental well being of a senior citizen living in a small town

There was a period of time when we didn't own a TV. Most people were either puzzled, amused or incredulous. The most entertaining conversation around this was:
Jim: You don't have a TV?! Do you have a flush toilet?
Me: Yes. We live in a high rise on the 26th floor.
Jim: Well that's a strange statistic right there. TVs have 99.99% penetration across America; the percentage for flush toilets is a lot lower.
Me:

I'd be happy to get rid of our TV. Or replace it with a nice looking flatscreen. I'm sure my husband will not be party to either of these ideas.

But one thing I can't live without is Internet access. I'd rather give up the telephone, running water (for a half day) or TV over Internet access. I feel sorry for Frank who has to put up with the frustrations of a dial up connection. It's so 90s. But wait, it's worse than the 90s. It's more like hell in the 21st Century. Because in the 90s, everyone else had dial up, so content was designed for lower connection speeds. Poor Frank can't enjoy his Internet experience and on top of that, he has to choose between telephone or Internet. He's also limited when he's online; he can't watch any videos, easily make comments on Blogger, get addicted to Craig's list or online shop. These are some of my favorite distractions.

Please send my father in law some $$$ to contribute to his Internet fund.

What excites my man

Sometimes, my husband is no fun to talk to. No juicy tidbits to reveal and on top of that, - he can be a real conversation killer, especially in moments when you're craving conversation. Whether you start with a benign ice breaker (it should be obvious that it's a plea like, c'mon talk to me, please) or you drop an attention-getting bomb, he can kill the conversation. This happens unknowingly, of course.
Well even though he's above all of us in the petty gossip department, there is one thing he likes to talk about. In fact, he gets pretty damn excited at the mere mention of how to manage a wedding guest list. This is pretty juicy excitement for him. Should I stop talking to the person I'm not going to invite, so that I have a head start on mitigating strained relations? Ie...So that when I don't invite them to the wedding, they would have already been pissed or estranged.
I'll let him comment because he's the expert on this topic.

Is Hawaii right for me?

I want to move some where safe and warm. I want to say I live in paradise. I'm really looking forward to our trip to Hawaii next week because I'm really hoping I'll fall in love. I want to get out of the NY rat race. I want the sun to always shine on my face. I'll move to Hawaii and become a school teacher or some kind of administrator.

My ex-coworker just quit and moved to LA, says that it's one step closer to Hawaii. He thinks Hawaii would be perfect for my personality and lifestyle.

What would I miss about NY? Cheap takeout and proximity to friends/family. I hear that Hawaii has excellent Asian food and a great variety. My mouth is already watering.

I'm going to Hawai-i!

I am a little bit afraid of volcanoes and historical violence (after reading a little bit about Hawaiin history). Is that bad energy or what?!

My daughter keeps crying and complaing about how she doesn't want to go to Hawaii. Does she know something I don't?

Are you getting a kickback?

I'm just curious - is this a conspiracy? There are certain items that are absolutely not necessary but all must have lists mention them. Like a diaper pail. In my opinion, totally unnecessary. Are diaper pail makers paying all list makers? It's pretty clever. I bought one, made myself used it because I had it but I'd love to burn it.
Another questionable (or maybe not?) item -- rain boots. Do my kids need these?
Thanks!
PS - My husband is of the opinion that very few people need Four or All Wheel drive. This philosophy orginated from none other than my ahead of the times father in law, who purchased Gore-tex long before any of us even heard of it.

How does another Star live?

Inspired and completely amused by my father-in-law's recounting of the humdrum of his day, here's my version of a typical weekday.
6-7AM: Either my mother or Josh brings my gigantic 22 lb baby into my bed and I feed her while I'm half asleep.
7-7:30AM: My gigantic baby is writhing aggressively in our bed, wanting to play. I try to stay away because I don't want her to kick me in the stomach but at the same time, I have to stay close to protect her from falling off the bed.
7:30-7:40AM: Mad rush to get ready for work. I'm still half asleep.
7:40-7:45AM: My older daughter, mother, my nanny and I exchange some hugs and benign pleasantries and I leave to go to work.
VARIATIONS: My nanny drives me to the train. My older daughter and gigantic baby are both in bed with me, my husband tries to rouse me from a deep sleep, etc.
The next eight hours go by in a blur because I'm at work.
5:45PM: I walk in the door at home and my older daughter feeds me her current favorite lie: You sleep by yourself (she means, I slept by myself, but it's not true).
5:45-6PM: Eat whatever scraps I can find like a barbarian. Talk with mouth open (just kidding)
6-7PM: Eagerly wait for the arrival of my husband, play with Sadie and Dazee, try to con Sadie to drink her milk and finish up her dinner. VARIATION: some nights, I make dinner.
7-7:30PM: Get Sadie bathed and feed Dazee.
7:30-8:30PM - My husband and I take turns in comforting the children. We switch off, back and forth, praying for them both to shut up and go to bed.
9PM - Hopefully by now they're both asleep, so I can do any of the following: ignore my husband because he's watching TV, nag him about something, blog, eat more, go shopping or window-shopping online or in a store, exercise or maybe talk to my husband.
Sometime between 10:00-11:PM: Feed Dazee
Sometime between 10:30-11PM - Yikes! Where did the time go. How did I waste two hours doing nothing? I have to take a shower, wash my hair, blow dry it, floss and brush my teeth. Can I do this in less than 20 minutes so I can get to bed? I curse myself for not being in bed sooner.
Sometime between 11PM - 11:30PM: Hopefully I'm in bed, clean and refreshed. Now I'm ready to talk to my husband and I tell him I love him and that I'm so glad to be married to him.
Within 2 seconds of his head hitting the pillow, he's asleep and sometimes he snores.
I toss and turn for anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours and then I drift off.

Yes, love is for sale!

The Ritz Carlton in Orlando is the pimpiest hotel ever! I told one person my name and soon after, scores of nice and maybe even sycophantic employees started chirping, Hi Miss Star! out of nowhere and everywhere. I was like a celebrity.
I asked a hotel staff member, where can I get a plate for the buffet lunch. I'll bring it to you Miss Star. I asked if there was soymilk. There wasn't. I said that I would be fine with water. But a few minutes later, a glass of soymilk was magically produced. I couldn't get ice out of the ice machine and a cleaning lady happened to be in the area. So I asked her about it and she offered to get ice for me from another floor. I asked someone else where I can find an ice bucket, she offered to deliver one for me or go with me back to my room to show me where to find it. When I first arrived, four men swooped down and offered to bring my luggage up, escort me to the elevator bank and press the elevator button for me. On my way out of the hotel, I realized I needed a plastic fork to eat my breakfast on the go. They were going to produce silverware for me to take with me, but I declined. I did help myself to an apple in the beautiful display of fruits, water and Gatorade that they had in the front with a nice sign: Welcome back joggers and runners!
I flagged down an employee so I could grill her about how hotel staff are inculcated with the Ritz culture and spirit. Turns out the interview process is mind boggling -- she had over 5 hours of interviews and met more than 10 people. And once you join, you go through a rigorous training program that the Ritz even provides to other companies as a money making service. She told me that the name thing is something they strive for, they have to greet guests that are within 20 feet by name; it creates magic and mystique and that's what 5 star service is all about. Have a nice day Miss Star! she tells me after we part. And that totally freaked me out.

Keeping up with the Jones

It seems like I'm cursed to a life of inconvenience and minor frustrations when it comes to giving people my name. I had a 14 letter long last name which meant that every now and again I had to put up with nincompoops who insisted I spelled my name wrong. I don't know why the obvious doesn't occur to them: I spelled my name right but they heard me wrong.
I've always had very little pride in my name, always wishing for a non-ethnic, easily understood name like Smith or Jones.
So when the opportunity came, I happily switched from a 14 letter long last name to Star.
Even though my newly minted last name is short, it's still prone to misunderstandings. Sfar? Whether it's for a credit card inquiry or a car service request, I have to say my name multiple times or even spell it. Today, spelling it didn't even matter because they couldn't find me in the system. I was furious. Turns out, she thought I spelled Spfar. Even though I said Star like in the night sky. I thought about this a lot from the ride home from the airport. I think to be clear, I need to say, Star, like twinkle twinkle little star.
My poor mother has more issues than me with her name and on top of that people don't understand her when she gives our address. GRAND! she yells. They always hear or come up with some ridiculous street name, with no similarity to Grand. You have to hand it to all these creative-think-outside-the-box types. So my mom tries to rectify the misunderstanding by shouting, GRAND, like BIG! But that doesn't help because she mispronounces big. I told her to say, Grand, like Grand Central. She says that that has been effective.
So I'm going to bank on using twinkle twinkle little star, unless you can come up with something shorter or more effective.

Thanks world!

Having kids has made me happier and sappier.
I was thinking about the quote - it takes a village to raise a child...
I've had so many mishaps and misadventures while nursing and with each situation, I've had to ask and rely on the help and kindness of strangers. A sampling:

1. My flight was delayed one hour today, which freaked me out. I'm used to nursing or pumping about every 4 hours. I knew I was going to be engorged even without the delay, with the arrive at the airport an hour before, baggage claim and all that other non-sense. But an extra hour would mean something like 8 hours without pumping. I delicately explained my situation to the lady at the Continental counter. She couldn't really do anything about it, felt sorry for me, gave me a $6 meal voucher and told me about a bathroom that had an outlet. So that wasn't too bad, privately sitting on a dirty toilet, making milk for my baby and thinking about what to buy for $6. [I got a sugar free chocolate bar for my grandma and a dark chocolate square for my husband]
2. I once forgot to bring the AC adapter to my electric pump while at a company function in a hotel. I had a few employees scrambling to find something and in the end they did produce it. Hurray!
3. The best thing really is having the confidence to tell anyone I meet what I do and getting them to help me. A few times I had to ask hotel or other staff if they could put something in the fridge for me. It's sometimes met with a little suspicion. Like maybe they think I'm a crazy or frivolous person: I NEED to have my kit kat bar at a certain temperature or need to keep some weird flammable chemical stable. So I tell them in a voice like I'm talking to a confidante that it's breastmilk. Then it either makes them smile or really uncomfortable. But in the end, they always follow through with the request.

For all you daily followers

I'm going to be in Florida for a day and a half, so no blogging until either Thursday or Friday. Unlike BKNY, this is not a tease, I'm really taking a break tomorrow. I have two new posts below. Enjoy!

Raised to follow the herd

Every time I've heard the Shakespearean quote, "To thine own self be true", I never felt like whoa, now that's a pearl of wisdom. When I graduated from high school, some people had even used that quote in their yearbook entry. Again I was uninspired.
About a year and a half ago, a senior person in my company was leaving a division just when I was starting. I had a lot of respect for him and felt sad to see him go. He gave me these parting words as advice, "Be true to yourself." He gave some examples of what he meant but again I wasn't moved by it. I felt like he was making a big deal about sharing a cliche.
Recently, something happened at work that was weighing me down. I felt like I had to speak up even though it was very difficult for me to do so because it would mean contradicting my boss and other superiors. I reasoned and rationalized why it might be best to stay quiet - it's lose lose, they'll only think less of me and nothing will come of it; I won't be able to change their minds; no one likes to be corrected. But I felt so strongly about the situation that I eventually worked up the guts to speak up. I had to make my case over email since everyone was out of the office. After I sent the message, I prepared myself for the worse. It's nerve wracking to send an email, to hang myself out there, not knowing if someone agrees with you, rejects your ideas or whatnot along with not knowing when you might get a response or not. And to my surprise, I quickly got positive results - my boss and others agreed with my reasoning to revert the decision.
And then something powerful dawned on me; I was true to myself. I couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't say something. But by the same token, it would have been so easy to do nothing. I'm so proud of myself for being true. I hope this trend continues, having the courage to be myself despite whatever fears, real or perceived.

Redin' and ritin'

For some reason, it really annoys me when people pronounce the first syllable of my name with a short vowel sound: Kass- a- mā . Even more infuriating to me is to do that and skip a syllable: Kass- mā. The worse butchering is to use a harsh z sound, Kaz- mā. I'm not asking for much. I don't expect anyone to say my name with a Thai accent like the French expect people to pronounce French words in a Frenchy way. To me, based on the rules of spelling and phonics, there are two acceptable way to pronounce the first syllable of my name, either with a schwa or a long a sound: Kə- sā- mā or Kā- sā-mā. Pronounce it any other way and you've created a lot of scorn and ire within me.

Turns his back on TV after he's done

My husband is a person of consistence. He is the same person in different situations with different people; he does not compartmentalize himself or his life. He doesn't say what he thinks you want to hear (part of that might be because he doesn't know what you want to hear!). He will make strange noises or sing self-modified children's songs to humor himself at work because he's not embarrassed to be himself. Finally, he is not easily convinced of anything but he won't agree or disagree with you; he'll keep it to himself. On and on, numerous examples of his constancy.
Recently, I discovered something consistently inconsistent about him. He will not admit to this, but he loves to watch TV - TV programs or movies. While he's watching, he's pretty riveted. It's hard to get his attention and he can sit in front of the screen for a long time. From time to time, I might catch a big laugh, a smile or other kinds of positive reactions. Once, while he was watching a comedy, where I could hear him whooping and laughing so hard, I thought he was crying. After it was all over, he tells me scornfully, "That sucked." Recently, he's been glued to Heroes. After the end of each episode, he tells me it wasn't any good. He will repudiate anything he watches even though it is apparent to me that he enjoyed it.
WHY WHY WHY?

You know who you are

Anonymous commenters, I appreciate your feedback. I can understand why you might want to be anonymous:
1. Laziness, don't want to fill out the form, etc.
2. Would like to keep it private for spouse, work, etc. reasons
3. All of the above and any others I missed.

I do wonder about a couple of things...
1. In general, do you expect or want responses to your comments?
2. And if I do respond to your comments, how will you know? (If you use blogger or other kinds of logins, you'll get an email when I respond; this is so useful for staying in the loop.)

I suggest you do what my brilliant 21 year old cousin did. Create a pseudonym that will be completely obvious to me who you are. Unless the reason why you want to be anonymous is to keep your identity from me, then that won't work. :P

NY times editorial staff endorses Clinton and McCain

I enjoyed reading this well-written endorsement on Clinton and was slightly amused by the piece on the endorsement of McCain. Although I feel a little funny about a newspaper taking a stance...aren't they supposed to be unbiased? And the comment they made about Giuliani in the McCain endorsement article..."The real Mr. Giuliani, whom many New Yorkers came to know and mistrust, is a narrow, obsessively secretive, vindictive man who saw no need to limit police power. Racial polarization was as much a legacy of his tenure as the rebirth of Times Square.
Mr. Giuliani’s arrogance and bad judgment are breathtaking."
I agree with it but it's also harsh and biased for a newspaper to blithely publish insults like that.

I did not know that!

Quote from this morning's WWD: "Most bloggers are under 30 and are likely to live in the suburbs; only a third live in urban centers."
I guess blogging helps cure suburban boredom. But we're really hungry for good and cheap takeout, blogging doesn't seem to help there.

Wanted: practical answers, stupid questions need not apply

In my younger days, I experienced a lot of consternation over questions like, "Where are you from?" I always wanted to launch into a deep discussion of my family and their migratory patterns and which languages are in our arsenal.
Today, I've taken a 180 from where I was. It's now one of my pet peeves, meeting well-intentioned(?) individuals who say asinine things like "Where are you from?" I tease them by saying, New York. I know the question is really, "What Asian country are you from?" I don't like to reveal the truth as an ice-breaker. I hate to be pigeon-holed or categorized for a first impression. I'd like to think about a clever retort for my kids, surely they will be hit with this innocent sounding ice breaker more frequently than I have in my lifetime.

Chasing rainbows

At this point in my life, I am pretty confident in my ability to nonchalantly state that I'm Thai, Chinese and American. But when I was growing up I had a lot of identity issues -- figuring out who I was or where I belonged was a big deal. I never felt "American" because I'm of Asian descent. And among Asians, it was hard to figure out where I belonged, with the Thais or the Chinese. (There isn't any real "Asian" solidarity, but rather union among national descent.) I didn't speak or write Chinese but had a lot of exposure to the culture. I read and spoke Thai but had very little exposure to the culture. Blah, blah, blah.
Today, I find myself thinking a lot about whether my bi-racial and multi-cultural children will have the same angst towards their identity. I read somewhere that these children tend to choose one or the other culture/race to identify with. I'm hoping that as the human race progresses, all these differences become insignificant; we become more of a rainbow and we don't have to choose.
How can I bring this rainbow to my kids? I think and dream a lot about moving to Hawaii. I heard that mixed race couples and children are common there. I'd like my chidren to grow up in an environment full of rainbow people like them.

Bread and Olive - a good place for lunch (Middle Eastern food)

I'm not accustomed to any kind of VIP service, paid or free. So today, when I ate lunch at Bread and Olive (just wonderful), I was so surprised when they rolled out the red carpet for me. I can only attribute this to making small talk with the cashier. He gave me a free bottle of water and two falafel balls - completely UNSOLICITED! I'm definitely going to be a regular. The food tastes high quality, fresh and delicious.

Hanging on and in there

Even though I'm pretty lazy and feeble-brained, I do believe in perseverance. It sounds so cliched, but I do believe that if you set your mind on something, you can achieve it. Two cases in point: the first example seems to impress everyone but the second one is much harder and garners very little applause.
The first example is birth without drugs. I did this twice. I really wanted to give birth without drugs and experience labor like my long gone ancestors. Not easy but I did it.
The second example that goes completely un or under-appreciated is nursing and related to it is nursing beyond 3 months. Nursing is so hard and painful the first 6 weeks. Just thinking about it hurts me everywhere. But then it gets easier and the pain goes away. Then you like it and then the inconvenience of it all hits you. Can't go to work parties, go on a date with your husband or take a trip without a lot of forethought, misery and planning. You're chained to your baby and it kills every kind of spontaneity.
Yet there's something magical about being able to nurture a baby from my own body. Every day, I struggle with when I should wean. All the pros for it are based on getting my life back. Today, I announced that I was ready to wean. I enumerated at least 4 reasons to quit. It's pretty easy to come up with reasons to stop. But it's also easy to want to cling on to this special time.
Tonight, as I come home late from a "date" with Josh, I am so excited to see my girls. I gingerly walk into Saydee's room. She's sleeping peacefully. I resist the urge to touch or kiss her. I then walk into Daisy's room. She too is sleeping peacefully. I pick her up from her crib and nurse her. She stays asleep the entire time. But I take advantage of our time together, I smell her; I hold on to her soft pudgy hands; I rub her head; I caress her and try to take in as much of her as I can. I know this stage will soon pass. I enjoy loving her this way and I feel sad that it's coming to an end.

Vindicated for herstory!!!

I like re-visiting the past, whether it's dwelling on old pictures, videos or talking about how things used to be or recalling the feelings of significant events, I can get lost in the past. My husband earnestly pointed out to me that my fascination is a waste of time.
Well, something wonderful happened to me today. Someone at work gave me a compliment that I joyfully accepted. He noted that one of my talents is to take history or past events and apply or connect them to the present so that we can focus on where we've come and where we need to go.
Hurray! I feel so good and needed.
Another related passion is curating my husband's history. My explanation for it is that even though I'd rather piece my own history, it's too difficult with few opportunities for successes, whereas his is ripe with rewards but with an appropriate amount of challenge. He grew up in the same town, same house, same parents, same # of people living together with him but he suffers from CRS (can't remember shit)!
I guess feel comfort in being able to put together past events because my own childhood was so disruptive.

Blog-o-mania!

I'm so excited. I'm a successful blog missionary. My father in law now has a blog. My husband will guest star on mine from time to time.
Now, I've got to convince my sister and mother in law to get one. My sister in law doesn't think a blog qualifies as any kind of relationship or connection. I'm trying to prove otherwise...Like back and forth comments are akin to dialogue; blogs are more interesting to me if I know the person; blogs help you stay in touch with people you know, etc. etc.

supercooled water (geeky guest post)

I witnessed some really strange sience this morning:
I left 4 bottles of water in the car when we went to VT this weekend, and before we got in the car to return home, I went out to get a couple bottles to bring inside, to let them thaw before our trip. It was around 10-15 degrees - maybe 20-25 degrees in the car that morning. All the bottles were next to each other in the backseat, and 3 of them were clearly entirely frozen: that whitish color ice filled the bottles. One of the bottles, though, was NOT frozen! It looked clear, like a bottle of water ... so I figured I'd bring that one inside. Unless I was hallucinating, when I picked up the bottle, it froze - right there in my hand. I saw the ice extend from the top of the bottle, right across to the bottom, taking a little under a second to do so. It sounds impossible, like I couldn't have seen that ... but then I remembered something which might have been from highschool science class: I think water can exist in a liquid state below 32 degrees, if it's very still and undisturbed ... and then when it gets disturbed, it will form an ice crystal, which will cause a chain-reaction forming most of the rest of the water into ice. I think this is what happened ... expecially because there was still some unfrozen water in the bottle, while the other bottles were completely frozen through. I think that makes sense because when water turns to ice, it releases heat (I think), and so as a bottle of 25 degree water, it wasn't cold enough to freeze the whole bottle through. Strange, no? Possible?
-JS

Special guest star - Josh

tomorrow we're driving back up to Burlington, where I grew up. I like driving because it avoids the timetables, security, and powerlessness of flying these days. I asked my mom to make sourmilk blueberry pancakes. It's something I've been thinking about for the last 9 years - there was this one restaurant in Chicago that I used to go to on occasion for Sunday brunch - somewhere around the top of the Magnificent Mile - I really can't remember where - but I think we'd eaten outside, and the out-door environment wasn't anything great. But those pancakes were really something ... So that's what I'm hoping for this weekend.
-JS

New kind of kung fu?

When they re-fill the lobster or crab tray at East, swarms of Chinese people 3-4 feet tall have already been waiting eagerly. It's a game of survival of the fittest, because it doesn't matter when you arrive. Once the food is there, these short Chinese ladies skilled in the art of seafood-fu swoop in from every angle, like right under my arm or across my face, to snag the goods. Even though I'm standing in a more strategic spot (stupidly assuming a policy of first come first serve) and I'm taller than them by a foot - I end up with no lobster on my plate. It's must be some kind of martial arts, because it happens so fast. The seafood tray is emptied in seconds. And then the next round of vultures gather around.
A brilliant solution came to me today. I'll bring my own serve ware. The serving spoon or tongs are the limiting factor as to how many aggressive midget Chinese women can get to the food. I know they feel no remorse about pushing me out of the way or grabbing a piece of crab right under or even between my tongs, but I wonder if they would have the audacity to take away my own serving spoon?

26 miles of eating

My mother normally abstains from eating large quantities of food unless we go to a Chinese buffet place like East in Flushing. Then she can down like 30 king crab legs in one sitting.
How is this possible? Eating this much without any practice or training? Why doesn't she throw up? Another tiny Asian lady, my mom's friend, also barely eats anything unless she meets a seafood buffet. We went to a New Year's gala in Thailand where there was an exotic assortment of seafood. She ate through many many plates. My mom remarked in all the 40 years of knowing her friend, she'd never seen her friend eat that much. Josh was worried she might throw up. Of course nothing happened. How come prior to the seafood gorging, she couldn't even eat one little plate of Pad Thai by herself? What's up with these tiny Asian ladies and seafood eating marathons?

I'm burning pretty brightly

I offered yet another New Year's resolution to my husband today - Work on not being grumpy in the morning. He generously let me off the hook - "Your plate is full." Thanks Josh! It really does take a lot of effort and concentration to stick to the ones I already have.

My New Year's Resolutions

1. Think before I speak. (Be nicer to my husband)
2. Think before I buy. (Reduce returns and impulse buys)
3. Be more patient with everyone.
4. Be more organized and keep a neater house.

So far I'm doing great with #1 and have great plans underway with #2 and #4.
These resolutions are all toughies for me.

Don't Bite Green

Japanese lunch

While Beth's head is buried in a Scrabble board, I'm going to have to compensate by telling you what what I ate for lunch. Josh, a co-worker and I immensely enjoyed a lunch at Naniwa (46th between 5th and Madison). I kinda want to keep it a secret because it's busy enough but so few people read the blog anyway. The best time to go is lunch and lunch specials are the way to go. We had today's special: a smorgasbord of grilled hamachi, kamameshi, soba soup, salad, fruits and pickled vegetables, all for $11. They also serve really good popcorn tea. Yum! Prices increase tri-fold by dinner time and the clientele becomes mostly Japanese.

Help me young whippersnappers

For those 25 years and younger (mentally or otherwise), please suggest where I can get these trendified and possibly racy items (If I shopped at my regular venues, they would be old lady and very staid). It would be even better if these items are high quality and can last me more than a few wears. But the most important thing is looks.
1. Black low and high boots (preferably with rubber traction)
2. Low slung underwear (low rider in back and front, but don't want it in my butt and must be cotton - synthetics a big no!)
3. Skinny skinny pants and jeans (the tighter the better, but preferably low waisted so my gut can hang over and I can joyfully eat)

Tight lace dresses, fishnet stockings, here I come!

My mother reacts horribly when I suggest things to her like, why don't you wear a skirt? "I'm too old!" she exclaims. I really don't get it, I think she looks young, thin and fabulous; she can definitely carry most fashions off, if she was so inclined. I used to feel so sorry her and all the cultural taboos she created for herself. Then last night, as I lamented to my 21 year old cousin that I can't find skinny pants any where, she first suggested Express. I didn't miss a beat, I shrieked, "Express! I'm too old to wear Express!"
So I'm going to try to break any taboos that I didn't even know I had. I'll start by shopping in Express, Forever21 and any other suggestions you might have for me. My husband should stay out of this, as this could be too much fun for him.

Diversity

When I first met Josh I thought he had some kind of an accent but I couldn't pinpoint what kind. (And his father thought I had an accent, which really pissed me off because as a child, I was "trained" to eliminate my foreign accent. As it turns out, the training is too successful because my accent is like a phonics teacher - too much enunciation.) When we did a short hike on Snake Mountain or other, we met other hikers. It came to me in a flash that he has a Vermont accent and so does his dad.
Here's a feud we've been having about Vermont, can you settle it? I insist that the word, "creamy" is regional. Growing up in NY, I've never heard of creamy used for soft ice cream. But I haven't heard of a lot of things, so who knows? Josh insists that the term, creamy is not regional. I think creamy is similar to how Philadelphians use hoagie for sandwich. I just realized that I can Google this to settle it once and for all so this post is lame and meaningless. Oh well. It's a nod to you, Haik. I can't help it.

The Fatherland!

We're going to Josh's birthplace, Burlington Vermont during MLK weekend. We're going to be driving to the Green Mountain state. This post is pretty lame as I don't have much to say about VT like I did with Thailand so I'll let Vermonsters comment if they wish.

Cooking

I grew up mostly on Chinese fast food. My mom worked long hours and never had time to cook so we always had takeout. She did make some things every now and again but I didn't get enough experience to actually learn how to cook from her. I used to watch my grandmother cook a lot and I learned how to cut all kinds of meat and vegetables from her. Her cooking was always delicious because she sprinkled magical MSG on everything she made. Today, when people hear that I'm from Thailand and that I cook or like to cook, they get excited and jump to the conclusion that I must make really fabulous Thai food for my Asian pervert husband. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm intimidated to cook Thai food and my husband doesn't like Thai food. What I actually cook for him are his favorite foods, which I'd like to coin, "melting pot gourmet Americana". They are things like: spaghetti and meatballs, beef tacos, chicken parmesan, etc. I always feel embarrassed telling people about these dishes because they don't seem gourmet enough for someone's who's just revealed she likes cooking. So I have to explain how I sometimes make my own salsa from tomatoes from the garden or the special way I slice and then pound chicken breasts when making chicken marsala. But then again, why do I feel pressured to live up to their image of how I cook? I was chastised the other day by Josh when I proclaimed that olive oil and vegetable oil have the same taste and utility in my kitchen.

A call for your kiss and tell

If you've ever dated or been romantically involved with my husband, Josh, please do tell if you've ever given him any feedback. According to him, no ex has ever given him any feedback on his behavior or information that would have helped him in the relationship.
I find this hard to believe. He claims I'm the only girl to give him any kind of feedback. I did have to hit him over the head a number of times (and even on the same things!) to explain things that to my amazement he'd never heard of. It felt really humiliating to cover off (repeatedly) basic things that I thought everyone took for granted. For example, he claimed to have never heard of paying for a date when you're the asker. I can't believe I actually pointed this out to him while we were on a date. It was so awkward. I remember much of our early experiences simplified in my mind to - is he really that dumb or a big asshole? (Luckily, as it turns out, he's neither.)
And there are even more uproarious things that make me blush to even think about mentioning.

Happy New Year! Happy New Year! Happy New Year!!!!

I think I'm going to make New Year's my favorite holiday. And I get to celebrate it at least three times a year!
1. Conventional western New Year (Jan 1) - time for celebration and resolutions!
2. Chinese New Year (in ~Feb) - this is one of my least favorite New Year's because I have to give people money.
3. Thai New Year (in ~April) - I really should go to Thailand to celebrate this. They really know how to have a crazy good time. During this festive holiday (Songkran) you get to throw water at anyone and everyone does it in public (using pails, buckets, water guns, whatever goes!) It's really hot in Thailand and having water thrown on you while everyone laughs actually feels good; not at all like you're the subject of a humiliating practical joke.
4. Jewish New Year (in ~September) - one of my favorites because I have to think about all my wrongs and try to be a better person.