Saturday, November 3, 2007

Am I a triple A cup?

Part I
Have you ever been dizzy with excitement by those para-scientist bra fitters in department stores that promise the holy grail of a perfect bra fit? They always seem to be big-chested and authoritative and unabashedly shameless about draping a silly hot pink measuring tape around their necks. They tell me all sorts of ills can be attributed to a poor bra fit -- backache, hammer toes, hungry children, etc. Anyways, their methods are always the same and really the instructions on how to fit yourself for a bra are really the same every where. For a reference, check out Victoria's Secret's measuring instructions. So maybe the value-add in having them help you find the perfect fit is to have someone else measure you.

But there's something seriously faulty about the methodology. Why would you add 5 inches to get your band size then take the measurement with the fullest part of your bust, subtract the difference in inches determine your cup size? When I dutifully follow these instructions, I become a triple or quadruple A cup, which apparently is at least 3 standard deviations away from the norm because it never shows up as a size for any bra measuring chart. Who came up with this two dimensional assumption that all breasts are a certain shape and projection? Ari had clued me in on the concept of information cascade. The great example he came across is that fat is bad for you (it's never been proven). (He's waiting to be vindicated on exercise is good for you (he believes that it isn't and is the only person I know who regrets exercising), but I digress) I'm willing to bet that the Japanese don't subject their women to such stupidity. I'm going to have to find out how the ladies get measured over there and popularize it here.

Read more Bra Saga.

Not for the Jane Austen set

I just discovered blogging and Beth is totally right that we have way fewer ax murderers thanks to blogging. For me, it's blurting therapy, an outlet for the hasty, crass part of me. But time's running out for me because I'm worried about my safety. The safety of my sanity (I'm feeling persecution mania) and family peace is at stake -- I'm concerned that upstanding people with delicate sensibilities will discover this blog, revile in horror, make judgements about my moral character and harass my goody-two-shoes husband (which would be pretty ironic, see Side note 2). Namely, these honorable people are my in-laws and their associates but also my sister and mom.
I need your advice. Should I:
A) Stop blogging (not sure I can do it)
B) Change my blogging style (pretty much the same as option A for me)
C) Remove my picture and any identifying details (change my online name, etc.). This is a little tricky because I'm going to have to ask a few other bloggers to remove my identifiable comments from their blog.
D) You tell me...I'm desperate for advice.

Side note: How often does the blogosphere collide with real life? How legitimate is my fear? Full-time corporate whore, mom of 2, dutiful daughter and "Jewish" daughter-in-law are some of my societal roles. Unfortunately none of them encourage an outlet for farting or verbal farting, so I try to tame my impulses my blogging. I wish I could have a universally witty and family-friendly blog like blog black belt Beth. But I'm a blog misfit, is there room for me in the blogosphere? Do you welcome a blog pariah?
Side note 2: I'm upset that I'm a blog punk while my husband has a squeaky clean image. I know for a fact that he's a dirty, misogynistic misanthrope that doesn't fear censure for his contemptible thoughts. Also, he doesn't even care if you think his obnoxious "jokes" aren't funny, he's so happily lost and smug in his inner world. So I'm left to stand alone with crudeness as my only friend.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Let me publish my tell-all and get good concert tickets please!!!

I don't like blogs that are moderated and want all moderated blog owners to cease and desist the moderation-- I totally understand the reasoning in some cases but I'm frustrated by the end user experience of not being totally sure if my comments were submitted. I've seen it happen on multiple blogs where users have published 2 similar comments - how frustrating to have to type the same thing more than once. My theory is that comments to your blog will increase four fold if you un-moderate them. For blogs that aren't super active, can't you un-moderate your blog and if you need to, you can always delete or edit the comments post-publishing? Oh and while you're at it, take off the dang CAPTCHA rule - making your readers type in a series of letters to ensure that they are not a malicious computer program. For people with (visual?) disabilities like myself, it takes a few tries to decipher the odd-ball kerning to get it right-- so frustrating!!!
No wonder I never get good concert seats from Ticketmaster, all you CAPTCHA geniuses are getting this right on the first try. So please un-moderate your blogs and get rid of CAPTCHA -- It would make your readers so happy, we'll run amok and populate more comments on your blog. OthErWIseI'mgonNAhavEtoCAPTchaYamYSELF.
[Side note, read my friend Ari's blog and he explains CAPTCHA.]

Thursday, November 1, 2007

How to score without dropping a dime

So I did a PSA for the ladies ("How to please men without putting out"), here's one for the men. Try this -- say to your lady friend, "You look pretty". If you want to be a little more sophisticated you can say "You look pretty ________ (fill in objective prepositional phrase). For example, "You look pretty in those eyeglasses" or "You look pretty in that green sweater". Now if you're ready for the graduate level of this, try "You look pretty _______________(fill in with something fashionable or artsy). For example, "You look pretty in those tortoise-shell frames" or "You look pretty in that green bell sleeve shirt".

Men, let me know if this helps you score.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Country full of type A(nal)

I find Japanese culture and mannerisms interesting. By US standards, it's a country full of type A people. Take for instance, the man who sat next to me at Cafe Zaiya. He had 2 sets of different Japanese newspapers. He proceeded to select 2 papers and gingerly laid them down opposite him (presumably for his companion, who hadn't arrived yet). Then he rotated both papers one at a time so that they would be right-side up for his companion. Then he centered smaller one on top of the larger one. Finally, he repeated all of these steps for himself. This automatic conscientiousness happened so fast that you would have missed it if you weren't watching. I shoulder-surfed him and saw an ad for either a bra or a bust enhancing service. I'm not sure because it was a Japanese newspaper. In the ad, there were two pictures, before and after. The before was labelled 34B. The after, 32D. The Japanese are so detail-oriented. Here in the US, when we talk about bust enhancement, we only focus on the cup size, not the band size or the overall shape or profile of the bust. There needs to be a holiday in the US where we celebrate the Japanese, we can learn so much from them.

Unconventional tribute to my husband or his sperm

Most women are freaked out by the notion of their husband donating sperm. Most wives feel like they own their husband's sperm.
I love babies, I am open to the idea of adoption. So stretch that logic a little further, I would raise children that are the spawn of my husband's sperm, regardless of the egg owner. Why is that so weird and unsavory for most people? Point of clarification for all you men reading this, it doesn't mean open marriage, I will raise the children born from artificial insemination. And to my dear husband: NO YOU CAN NOT KEEP HER IN THE BASEMENT.

How to please men without putting out

Public Service Annoucement: No matter what station, what age, what education or what personality, I find that 99% of the men I meet love a toilet mouth. I'm not sure why this would titillate even the most somber and educated man. So single ladies, this is an updated and effective version of The Rules. Include BJ, anus, anal sex, blah blah blah in your vocabulary. These words don't even need to be used with any relevance, these types of non-sequiturs are always welcomed. You don't even have to make a sentence. Scream BJ for no reason...trust me you'll be a hit.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Sex and Corruption

My apologies for the sensationalistic attention-grabbing subject, but it is relevant. Starting when my daughter was around 1 years old, I would try to threaten or bribe her. (Don't I sound like the model mom?) But her mind was so innocent that she never "got it". I'm pleased to say that after one year of intense home schooling, at 2 years old, she is cooperative for kiddie cocaine (goldfish) and very perceptive in understanding threats. So the age of innocence is over. But does this mean she has to look like the depraved monster that she is?

I'm spooked out by sexy clothes for little girls as well as sexy Halloween costumes for them. I became aware of a "chamber maid" costume for toddlers. With all due respect, (I read in Dilbert that once you say this phrase, anything can follow), to chamber maids everywhere, isn't that a euphemism for whore?

So...I happily bought some non-sexualized girl clothes today at Talbots. The cashier told me Talbots is commited to making non-sexualized kid's clothes. The clothes are really cute and well-maid (ha!) but I still think it's still a rip-off even at 50% off. But that's my own baggage, of wanting and expecting to pay like a $1 for three t-shirts.

Random thought -- Would I rather pay a premium to be a prude or a ho? Could this be a big business idea, the "Madonna-Whore" store?

Monday, October 29, 2007

Clean Diaper?

Any of you that have kids on the verge of being toilet trained-- have you noticed this peculiar and annoying behavior -- the urge to poo in a new diaper. My daughter will tell me that she wants a new diaper, I'll change her and lo and behold the fresh diaper becomes her toilet. WTF??!