Saturday, November 17, 2007

I want you back

12 hours into my new vegetarian diet and I've already cheated. It's impossible for me to make such drastic changes without personal sacrifices or ill feelings. Around lunch time, I was so cranky and bitchy, I started yelling at my poor mother about how I didn't want to buy baby "nursery" water and that regular bottled water or boiled water was good enough for Daisy if not better than whatever tenuous processing or manufacturing standards evil corporations hold themselves to. This drove my germ-a-phobic, corporate-trusting mother over the edge and we had an incomprehensible shouting match in broken English and Thai about the said waters.
Flash forward to 18 hours after my diet started and I've eaten shrimp, pork, chicken and beef. 4 species! I'm pathetic. And I want to exercise so badly...Looks like I'm going to have to go crawling back to my old and unhealthy lifestyle. I'm sorry I thought the grass was greener on the other side; I want you back; the mac and cheese with tomatoes that I had last night meant nothing to me; I need meat, 6 meals a day and 3 days a week of exercise, PUH-LEEEEZ take me back; I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Anathema to my dogma but good for dogs!

OK, starting from when I finish my huge, carnivorous, multi-species lunch, I'm going to try some new things, per Ari's comments (re: exercise is bad for you). I'm going to stop exercising and I'm going on a diet. Plus just to make this more ethically satisfying, I'm also going to modify my diet to be a semi-vegetarian. I'll continue to consume seafood, dairy and eggs but I'm going to cut out all land animal meats.
Normally this sounds so stupid and faddish to me with my history of quick to make lifestyle and diet judgements. For example, my husband trained only one month (!) for the Burlington marathon. I thought this was pure idiocy. Not only that, he decided to go on a diet at the same time. I think he might have lost some weight but his boobs are still bigger than mine. Hahahahah! (But is that a worse insult to me or him?!)
A few months ago, my sometime exercise-bulimic husband decided to go on a liquid diet. Again I thought this was pure idiocy and I couldn't believe his parents didn't try to stop him.
So I wonder how this new regimen of no meat, little food and no exercise is going to fare out for me.

Hooray! I'm 5 lbs away from my blushing bride weight! And boo hoo, I'm Larry David and so is my husband.

I owe my current 5lbs away from my wedding weight figure mostly to exercising because I'm sure that I will crush anyone in my weight class in an eating contest. Aside from being a slave to blogs, I'm also a slave to food because I need 6 meals a day. The other day, as I was waiting for my udon, a chubby Asian guy struck up a conversation with me about how he really shouldn't be eating udon because he wanted to lose weight. (We both ordered 2 udons!) I told him that what really matters is exercise. It was a well-intentioned tip, but his reaction to it was so terrible. I think he thought I agreed that he needed to lose weight. What he probably wanted to hear from me were reassuring words like, You don't need to lose any weight. In that surreal moment, I felt like my husband, who is often clueless about what kind of lies I want to hear.
4 days after I gave birth to my first daughter, I was at my lowest low. Aside from your run of the mill vaginal bleeding and other usual suspects of after-birth pain, a few other things were bringing me down. Breastfeeding was so hard for me; it hurt so bad every time my barracuda baby wanted to eat, I cried real tears of fright and pain. Just to put the breastfeeding nipple pain in perspective, I gave birth without any drugs - no epidural, no pain medication, no nothing. On top of that, my baby was losing weight and turning yellow, a sure sign of jaundice. We had to take her to the hospital every day to get her blood drawn to check her bilirubin levels. Then we had to go to the pediatrician's office to hear scary sermons because her weight loss was getting very medically worrisome. OK, did you get all that... I've got massive pain in my vagina, ass and nipples; I haven't slept a wink in 4 days; my hormones are playing mean tricks on me and my firstborn is near death.
Stupidly, I step on a scale at the pediatrician's office, hoping to feel better about not being big and pregnant. Horror of horrors, I had only lost 7 lbs. I had a mental breakdown right then and there. How is this possible?! The baby weighed 7 lbs 5 oz. at birth. The placenta, blood loss and all that other icky stuff is supposed to be another 10 lbs. I was truly at the lowest of the low. I've never heard of anyone gaining weight 4 days after giving birth. Apparently I just created a new statistic.
My husband remained silent at this horror scene while I was secretly eager for some reassuring lies. I could tell that he was afraid to say anything, which became a self-fulfilling prophesy because his fearful silence is enraging me. He is the only guy that I've ever dated that doesn't know how to respond to the question, Do I look fat? It's a trap, right? he helpfully asks. ARRGHHH!!! It takes so much self-control to not strangle this idiot that I married. But let me end on a romantic note, because we are surely lucky to find each other, each of one of us, a strange statistical outlier, among you normal weight-losing and reassuring lie-adept population.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Breastfeeding in public -- it's a right!

Recently I was at our synagogue (pretty big building with many rooms) and I had to nurse (feed) my baby. I sought out a staff member to recommend where I should do it. I was appalled by her answer, the ladies room. What?!?! You go eat your freakin' lunch in the bathroom poopy head! I'm really pissed off! Do you eat your meals near a toilet?! I'd like to feed my baby where it doesn't smell like feces for both of us.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Dear Larry David...

I've been meaning to write to you about some possible concepts to use on your show. (I haven't seen Season 6 yet because my cheap Jewish husband cancelled our HBO and Netflicks won't send us the DVD, so hopefully these concepts are not already done on your show.)
The scene is at a synagogue during Rosh Hashanah. A long, orderly snakelike line has formed; upon reaching the first position of the line, each Jew hands over the ticket so that s/he may be seated.
Josh and I are on the outskirts of the line loudly arguing about whether we should cut in front of the line to ask the ticket taker a question or stand in the line to ask a question.
Ultimately, we see another person behind the ticket taker so we go over there to ask our question.
"I know it's really late but we just moved into the area and we'd really like to get seats for the service..." I stammer. I elbow Josh, as it's his cue to say a Jewish ice breaker that is mentally satisfying to a Jew. Like a few short words that a non-Jew might zone out but to another Jew, it would communicate what kind of Jew he is, how he was brought up and whether he can read Hebrew.
"Well, we only have one ticket," says the temple staff.
"Obviously, I should go because I'm Jewish," says Josh ala Larry David. (with comic menacing look while shaking a fist at me)
"What are you talking about?!" I scream, as I'm spiralling out of control. "YOU DIDN'T EVEN MARRY A JEW. AT LEAST I MARRIED A JEW! I SHOULD GET THE TICKET, I'M MORE JEWISH THAN YOU!"
The Jews standing in line side with me and admonish him for marrying me.

Here are the concepts
1: When you have a question, should you cut a line to ask it or enter the line and wait?
2: Jews like to appraise the Jewishness of other Jews
3: Who's more Jewish, the Jew or the one who married one?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

What's wrong...ala Highlights

On Sunday, I was in a super rush to get to a wedding on time. About 10 minutes to departing our home, I commanded my husband to dress our younger daughter, Daisy. Aww man! he grumbles. About 1.5 hours later, I'm in hysterics as I realize poor Daisy has her dress on backwards. We quickly corrected it during the ceremony and took before/after pics. Can you tell which is which? (I feel like it's so obvious just from her expression...)

Image A

Image B

One blog to rule them all...

Last night my husband asked for my opinion on something. I told him I'd have to see what the blog thinks. I then had to explain that I don't really exist anymore; I'm a servant of the blog...much like the people who got corrupted by the ring. I "live" for the blog.

Monday, November 12, 2007

This is your brain on Facebook

After 2 nights wiff Facebook, I be totally hooked. 2 hours flew by in uh blink an' here'swhat I accomplished: 1. Read 30 or so updates on what muh ma fuckin "friends" gots been up ta (like Stefani received uh fish from Aaron) while We be both online 2. Clicked on profiles o' niggas o' niggas an' read what they've been up ta on Facebook an' 3. Searched fo' some "lost" niggas an' acquaintances. Why iz dis here so addictive?! My sister'sright about Friendster being passe, it'snot uh blocked website at werk, but Facebook iz. The smart folks know dat Facebook iz like crack-cocaine. How can we's git any werk done when all we's wants ta do iz smoke some pimp-tight Facebook? w0rd!

Translation: After 2 nights with Facebook, I am totally hooked. 2 hours flew by in a blink and here's what I accomplished: 1. Read 30 or so updates on what my "friends" have been up to (like Stefani received a fish from Aaron) while we're both online 2. Clicked on profiles of friends of friends and read what they've been up to on Facebook and 3. Searched for some "lost" friends and acquaintances. Why is this so addictive?!
My sister's right about Friendster being passe, it's not a blocked website at work, but Facebook is. The smart folks know that Facebook is like crack-cocaine. How can we get any work done when all we want to do is smoke some good Facebook?

I used the Ebonics translator (misnomer!) to generate the first part of my post. Funny stuff.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Sisterly love

Right now they mostly ignore each other so when I take pictures, I try to pose them as lovey-dovey. Hopefully they'll be the best of friends when they get older, as they are only 2 years apart.