Friday, November 16, 2007

Hooray! I'm 5 lbs away from my blushing bride weight! And boo hoo, I'm Larry David and so is my husband.

I owe my current 5lbs away from my wedding weight figure mostly to exercising because I'm sure that I will crush anyone in my weight class in an eating contest. Aside from being a slave to blogs, I'm also a slave to food because I need 6 meals a day. The other day, as I was waiting for my udon, a chubby Asian guy struck up a conversation with me about how he really shouldn't be eating udon because he wanted to lose weight. (We both ordered 2 udons!) I told him that what really matters is exercise. It was a well-intentioned tip, but his reaction to it was so terrible. I think he thought I agreed that he needed to lose weight. What he probably wanted to hear from me were reassuring words like, You don't need to lose any weight. In that surreal moment, I felt like my husband, who is often clueless about what kind of lies I want to hear.
4 days after I gave birth to my first daughter, I was at my lowest low. Aside from your run of the mill vaginal bleeding and other usual suspects of after-birth pain, a few other things were bringing me down. Breastfeeding was so hard for me; it hurt so bad every time my barracuda baby wanted to eat, I cried real tears of fright and pain. Just to put the breastfeeding nipple pain in perspective, I gave birth without any drugs - no epidural, no pain medication, no nothing. On top of that, my baby was losing weight and turning yellow, a sure sign of jaundice. We had to take her to the hospital every day to get her blood drawn to check her bilirubin levels. Then we had to go to the pediatrician's office to hear scary sermons because her weight loss was getting very medically worrisome. OK, did you get all that... I've got massive pain in my vagina, ass and nipples; I haven't slept a wink in 4 days; my hormones are playing mean tricks on me and my firstborn is near death.
Stupidly, I step on a scale at the pediatrician's office, hoping to feel better about not being big and pregnant. Horror of horrors, I had only lost 7 lbs. I had a mental breakdown right then and there. How is this possible?! The baby weighed 7 lbs 5 oz. at birth. The placenta, blood loss and all that other icky stuff is supposed to be another 10 lbs. I was truly at the lowest of the low. I've never heard of anyone gaining weight 4 days after giving birth. Apparently I just created a new statistic.
My husband remained silent at this horror scene while I was secretly eager for some reassuring lies. I could tell that he was afraid to say anything, which became a self-fulfilling prophesy because his fearful silence is enraging me. He is the only guy that I've ever dated that doesn't know how to respond to the question, Do I look fat? It's a trap, right? he helpfully asks. ARRGHHH!!! It takes so much self-control to not strangle this idiot that I married. But let me end on a romantic note, because we are surely lucky to find each other, each of one of us, a strange statistical outlier, among you normal weight-losing and reassuring lie-adept population.

5 comments:

A Kast said...

I think it makes sense to gain weight after birth, cuz yr body has to gear up to produce lots of nutritious milk.

But the bigger picture is we all get old, and getting fat just helps fill out the wrinkles. Have you ever seen older women who are super skinny? They look horrible!

So I'd say try your best to keep it under control, but also make your peace with it and get on to other things...

Also as you know, I'm a big believer in non-excercise. It's easier than excercise! Excercise just bulks up your muscles, which means you have to lose even more fat to maintain the same figure. By simply eating less, you solve the same problem without any work. And you REALLY enjoy your meals that way too... and of course, a calorie-restricted diet is the only proven way to extend your life, whereas excercise just wears out your joints, insuring that you're miserable in old age...

Cassandra Jupiter said...

Oh Ari, you always open my eyes to different ways of looking at things. Just when I was feeling pretty good about my lifestyle, now I'm feeling guilty about exercising!

Lost in Dixie said...

Josh may be the only guy that you've dated how does not know how to respond to that question, but Tim Wim Jim is just as tactless!!!!!! :)))

Lost in Dixie said...

Let me preface this by saying that I work with a population that is about 40% morbidly obese. Not to sound like Josh Starr, but....

If you live in NYC where most people walk 5-7 miles a day, you probably don't need to exercise as much the rest of this country.

I personally think that for women, exercise mainly helps with mental health and stress (and less with weight loss). I think exercise helps you to maintain your figure. For most men, I think exercise DOES help with weight loss.

You probably could just "eat less" but I think that exercise helps a LOT with stress reduction.

Cassandra Jupiter said...

Dixie -- I agree that exercise helps with stress reduction, but Ari thinks that I might be brainwashed to feel good after I exercise. He believes that exercise is really bad for you and makes you miserable in the end. He's the only person I know that doesn't feel good after a workout. But the biggest stress reducer is to bitch about my husband on the Internet, ie. this blog!