My daughter the model with a gut

I've been talking or half-joking a lot about pimping my kids to pay for college. I totally forgot about how my daughter's photograph has already been published!Last year we were approached by a photographer for the Daily News at the New York Botanical Garden. Sadie was not in a good mood for pictures. The photographer took hundreds and probably none came out good but I think she thought Sadie was so cute, she used a picture any way. Check it out the Daily News website for the online version of the "story". I never bought a copy of that day's newspaper, maybe I should, for her portfolio of pro-bono work. Oh wait, wrong career.

Caption: Sadie Star, 2, looks like a little flower herself as she points to the colorful display.

Heartbreak hotel

Each morning, before I leave for work, my younger daughter is gripping tightly as I struggle to put her down or pass her to my mother. My older daughter is standing on a step stool, waiting for a hug and a kiss. Before I step out of the door, I see my second daughter writhing and crying in my mom's arms, hoping I'll come back and take her back into my arms. As I walk out, I turn around and I see my older daughter's face pressed to the window by the door. I wave and look back a few times until I can't see her anymore.

Living Large

While my husband is eating, in the executive dining room, a daily hearty breakfast of toasted bagel with lox, tomatoes, onions and capers, fresh squeezed citrus juices, yogurt and who knows what else he’s cramming down his mouth, I’ve used our executive health services twice in the last 3 months.

I can only rave about the refined VIP services. They must be mistaking me for somebody else, but I like to play along. Let me describe how today’s visit went.

I called at 11:30 and got booked for a 12PM appoint – the same day! As I walk in, I’m surrounded by hardwood floors and Pottery Barn furnishings. After a few minutes of sitting on an abundantly cushioned sofa reading Town and Country magazine, someone politely interrupts me to apologize for the wait. The doctor will be with you shortly, she assures me.

A few minutes later, the doctor comes into the waiting area, greets me, shakes my hand and introduces herself and I’m almost pissed that I didn’t get to finish reading/daydreaming in the article about how Georgio Armani’s niece furnishes her apartment in Milan. In a regular doctor’s office, I’d be sitting on crappy, stained and un-cushioned industrial furniture with exposed bolts, reading a wrinkled pored over copy of something like Reader’s digest, waiting for an hour until some loud, obnoxious and uncheerful employee shouts and mispronounces my name with unmistakable irritation.

Back to my executive health nirvana -- There are no forms to fill in or long checklists of ailments to complete because the doctor asks specific questions, listens to you and takes down notes. Then the doctor takes your vital stats, not a nurse or assistant so there’s no time lost in “changing of the guard” as different employees parade in and out of your exam room.

Then I go to have blood work done. The phlebotomist wants to know if I prefer blood to be drawn from my left arm or right. She tries to reassure me because I don’t like being pricked with a needle. While she inserts the needle, she engages me in a banal conversation, she wants to verify that I’m wearing cashmere and how soft she thinks it is. After that’s completed, I’m invited into the wait area to eat or snack. This is where I hit pay dirt big time. Grilled vegetables, salmon, fresh squeezed Valencia orange juice, an array of cheeses, sesame crackers, non-fat apple muffins and on and on await me. I munch on some California roll, help myself to some shrimp kebabs and crunch on some steamed vegetable medley- cauliflower, broccoli and carrots. It’s like I’m at a spa. I can’t finish my food so I decide to carry out the leftovers. Someone asks me if I want a bag and I feel like a total chazer.

After I’m done, I check out with the receptionist, who provides me with the bill, perfectly folded in a ecru envelop, as if I just spent $10,000 on knick knacks. My tab? $15.

The only thing that can dampen the situation is how much information is released to your employer. I’m going to assume that it’s private but you never know. It’s obviously subsidized, insurance could never endorse or reimburse for the refined, service-oriented experience.

Sushi - more American than apple pie

So my diatribe on sushi spurred some off-line outcries. Yes it's true, sushi makes me gag. This is a big step for me - I don't like admitting it- it sounds so unsophisticated that I don't eat sushi. I also hate sourdough bread. There.

I discovered a new and effective diet

...eat foods you hate. Yesterday I forced myself to eat sushi for lunch. It made me want to gag. By dinner time, I was still reeling from the effects of eating the most horrid food I can think of.

This morning, I'm still not fully recovered. Even my favorite foods don't seem enticing.

I'm feeling thin and cranky. I think I'll go use heroin now and hope for a modeling contract.

Despiccable selling strategies

Whenever I get a manicure or my eyebrows threaded or waxed in a new salon, they get so excited to sell additional services in a not so polite manner.

Do you want a mustache wax? they often ask. If I politely say no, they up the ante. How about your back, do you want that waxed? Jesus! It's so wrong to prey on my self-esteem so that they can make more money.

Josh relayed a similar story at Saks. Someone was trying to sell perfume to him but he politely declined. So they escalated it to do you want to get skincare? He declined to do that. Then they lashed the final blow, do you want to get something to correct the sun damage on your face?

How can these scum-bags look at themselves in the mirror every morning? How can they live with themselves, using these cheap and insulting tactics to sell products or services?

They grow up so fast!

We took Sadie to work today. Co-workers and I helped apply lipstick, blush and nail polish on her. She was loving it. She insisted on walking around with my high heels on.

It's a freaky how a little makeup and high heels instantly transformed my cute toddler daughter into a beauty pageant vamp.

Doody talk

People love it!

Here's a link to an Advertising Age article on how direct the toilet paper ads have been getting and recently, their sales figures are up.

Here's a link to a Charmin ad where a bear gets pieces of toilet paper vacuumed off his behind and later they shake their groove thang more confidently.

This doesn't make any sense

On weekends, I wake up like 2 hours later than weekdays and I can easily skip breakfast without even realizing it.

On weekdays, if I eat something piddling like a banana as soon as I wake up, I can last until a late lunch (past 1 PM). However, if I eat a nice breakfast (like a bowl of oatmeal and granola), when I arrive at work (about 1 1/2 hours after I wake up), by 11 AM my stomach is growling and I feel so dizzy for food. Why do I starve for food and much sooner the more and later I eat on weekdays?!!! You would think a big bowl of oatmeal can last me to a late lunch but as soon as I eat it, I'm ready for a steak.

So excited!!!

I just ordered 21 monogrammed towels from Horchow.
I'll get them in two weeks.

A few things that could dampen the situation:
1. What if they arrive and the quality or colors are not what I expected? Because they're personalized, I won't be able to return them. I probably won't have much luck trying to eBay KSJ monogrammed towels.
2. What if in the meantime or even at a later date, I find other towels I love? Then I'm going to kick myself.

Finally, how come towels come in such pale, demure colors? I'd love to get a rich royal purple but I can't find this anywhere. Moreover, the purple family in towels seems like a rarity. Most people want their towels in shades of white or blue? WHY?!

What Jews and Asians love to talk about

Who pays?
Last night my husband, sister and I got into a very spirited discussion with my in-laws about who should pay for what and how to make that a reality without awkwardness.

Who pays for dinner? How much?
First topic, dinner with a big group. Obviously if it's at your house, you pick up the "tab". But if you invite someone out to dinner to a restaurant and it's for an event like your birthday or because you won some kind of award, then I think it's a little tricky. My in-laws cited an event where they thought the person organizing should have picked up the tab but the bill was split among "guests". My sister thinks that if it doesn't take place in your home, you always split the bill. I think the most awkward thing is that if all you had was a salad or a Coke and the rest of the group consumes a lot more food and drinks, should you pay the average?

Dang it you people who order the most expensive thing on the menu or you lushes that hold your alcohol well because you're increasing my cost to hang out with you....
I do take an internal mental note of people who order the most expensive thing on the menu and then casually pay the average (why don't they loudly cheer what a good deal they're getting?). I think people should put in the average and subtract a little less or add a little more depending on what you ordered. That means you have to pay attention to prices and what you ordered; For some people, it's pretty hard to do and it's not how they eat out or celebrate -- I can appreciate this lifestyle difference. I read in an etiquette book somewhere that if you can't deal with the unfairness of the situation of paying more than what you ate/ordered then you shouldn't go because hanging out with the group harmoniously supersedes fairness. I do think it's an arbitrage situation at the expense of the group for some people who would never order the most expensive thing on the menu if they had to foot the entire bill. So boo on them.

Who pays for what a wedding? Who buys a gift for whom?
The second topic was who foots the bill for what at a wedding and who gets a present for whom. The whole thing is a joke to me. I guess it makes sense to have all these arcane rules if you marry young because you don't have a lot of money so you rely on various people to pay for various parts of your wedding. (Bride's parents pay for the wedding, groom's parents pay for the honeymoon, blah blah blah) A lot of it can be inefficient. My husband served as an usher for a wedding so he had to pay for the tux rental. As his gift he received a men's grooming kit that he's tucked behind some drawer, never to see the light of day. What if the couple just pays for the tux rental and we forget about the "gift"? Or we split the cost of the tux rental with them? As a guest, I don't mind helping to pay for parts of it, I just don't want to be party to these inefficient customs that create more waste for landfills.

I doubt I'll get elected on this platform -- Wedding couples pay for everything. And no gifts!
I didn't get my bridesmaids gifts but I also didn't make them pay for the dresses that they wore. (I did make them pay beaucoup bucks to fly to Thailand.) Instead of having rules of who's supposed to pay for what, I'm of the mind set that the couple pay for everything (except transportation, hehehehe) and if you can't afford it, then no wedding or a smaller scale wedding. And I hate that the default is to get a gift for the couple. How about no gifts as the default? I'm sure a lot of people would tomato gun that idea.

Prescriptions for behaviors (especially my wallet) - Blech!
I hate having to get someone a gift out of custom, I prefer gift-giving when the mood strikes or when I come across something appropriate. Gift giving should be fun and meaningful for both parties, but often it's stressful for both the gifter and giftee because of ridiculous social confines and screwed up expectations.

My husband - a liberator of women?

When my marriage was impending, I practiced signing my new last name. But I could never get the hang of it since I'd been using another signature 20 years. Josh gave me the brilliant idea of keeping my signature even though I was changing my last name to his.
Today, a co-worker heaped praise for Josh's generous act of chivalry as he knows lesser men that would make their spouse change their signature to reflect something legibly closer to the new name.
I decided with new resolve to keep my signature no matter what happens to my last name. I think it's traumatic to have to change your signature no matter how much you practice.

Totally nutty

So peanuts aren't kosher for Passover for Ashkenazi Jews but walnuts, almonds and other nuts are.

Better to have blogged and lost than not blogged at all.

Wow, blogging's not like learning how to ride a bike (not that I would personally know if that adage is true or not) if you don't do it for a while, it feels unfamilar.

At one point, I was in the blog groove, blogging every day - it felt so natural. Now that I'm back from a month long break, blogging feels like hanging out with a best friend from elementary school.

Here are some other skills that I've lost:

1. Driving. Josh drives me every where. Now when I get into a car I feel like I don't even know where the steering wheel is. This is definitely ironic because when I first met him, he didn't know how to drive. I taught him how to drive a stick shift, I like to say.
2. Personal finances and investing. I used to pay my own bills and choose my own investments. Now I reach into my wallet, pluck out a credit card and sometimes I'm told that my card's been declined or cancelled (as a result of my husband chasing every deal or new card). And all my trading accounts have been liquidated. I have zero knowledge, therefore zero power. I self-medicate by spending and blogging.

Here's an idea of what I'm in charge of:
1. Household, kids, relationships, remembering stuff, computer stuff, electronic social networks (e.g. facebook, blogging), complaining

What *not* to say to a Mom

I've been involved in a little disagreement with my daughter's pre-school teachers.

Their defense? Something to the tune of we're only looking out for her best interest.

WTF?!!! What am I doing? Getting paid by them to say that?

What the heck are Bear Stearns employees doing?

JS, a male Bear Stearns employee talks to me in this third installment.

Me: It's been about two weeks since the merger with JPM was announced. What are you doing at work?
JS: My main business in pretty much dead. We're really not seeing any customer business. But I'm there because I'm waiting to see what the next step is. So I've been trying to develop a prop trading strategy. It's been at the very least interesting.
Me: Why would JPM want to buy a building with no business?
JS: I think we can get customers back. But we need to know what our current situation is because no one is going to bother getting customers until we know the status of our jobs. Until we know, we're just a shell.
Me: Anything newsworthy or juicy that only a Bear employee would know?
JS:People go on interviews and they basically do it confidentially [without telling anybody], when they're on those interviews, they also see their coworkers interviewing at the same place and same time. It's always a funny moment.
Me: Um, how do you know this?
JS: Personal experience. It happened to me.
Me: Someone at HQ was very angry as he relayed to me that they blocked takeareport.com. He conjectured that they must have figured out that too many employees were wasting their time there. So what websites are you going to?
JS: I don't go to websites that are not reasonably relevant.
Me: No jailbabes.com for you?
JS: No
Me: How can you take it? Just sitting there?
JS: I'm not just sitting there. There are middle office people who are trying to pass themselves off as traders. So they've been picking my brain asking endless questions about trading to pass themselves off as traders. The funny thing is there are some questions they ask that I have to tell them it's really outside the scope of what their brain can comprehend.
Me: What happens in a moment like that? How does it make them feel?
JS: They accept that.
Me: Don't they think you're a prick?
JS: I AM a prick. But they respect that I'm sharing my knowledge because no one else would take the time. My knowledge is broad and deep.
Me: Do you think they will be successful as traders?
JS: I don't think they'll be able to get a job like that.
Me: Why not? You've mentioned to me that interviews are just conversations, not really interviews.
JS: They are at the higher levels. At the more junior levels they are more detailed and less conversational.
Me: What if they wore a headset and you talked in their ear telling them how to answer each question?
JS: It could work with a lot of practice.
Me: So how do you get an entry level job as a trader?
JS: It's very difficult. Most people join after having a stint with a summer internship program or two.
Me: So the barriers to entry are high. I had no idea what I wanted to do junior or senior year of college to get it together and get specific internships that would lead to a full time job right after graduation...
JS: Yes, the job itself pays very well and it's not that hard.
Me: Are people still going to work on time?
JS: No, the place is thinning out. There aren't as many people there. And they come in later and leave earlier. I think a lot of people are taking time off right now.
Me: Are they getting paid for it?
JS: You can stop going in and still get paid.
Me: How do you know that?
JS: I think it'd be fine.
Me: How was the executive cafeteria compared to the regular cafeteria?
JS: I just found out that anyone can eat breakfast for free in the exec cafeteria if you wear a tie. Maybe you have to be an SMD but nobody checked. So I'll be going on a regular basis.
Me: What kind of offerings do they have in the exec cafeteria?
JS: Honestly it wasn't very good. Yogurt, fruit, juice, milk cereal. Some pastries. Cold bagels.
Me: What about the set up?
JS: Service is like a hotel and the set up is nice but the food is pretty basic, not impressive.
Me: Have you ever been in the executive bathrooms?
JS: Supposedly Ace Greenburg has a bathroom on our floor. But it's hard to believe that there's plumbing on that side of the building. But people seem to believe that it's true.
Me: I heard that the 14th floor has exec bathrooms.
JS: I only knew about the 14th floor having conference rooms. I'll go check it out [to see if there are any exec bathrooms] on Monday.
Me: Why?
JS: Our bathrooms are sucky. They're crowded. They stink.
Me: What do they stink of?
JS: Feces.
Me: Are people not flushing, is there poor ventilation; what's the cause?
JS: Large stinky dumps.
Me: Do you dump at work?
JS: I try to use a handicapped bathroom.
Me; Why is that better?
JS: Higher toilet seat.
Me: How does that help?
JS: Keeps my balls out of the cold water.
Me: I think that's a good end to this interview. Thank you very much, JS.

Addendum: After the interview and when my disgust for JS's final answer subsided, I thought about how it doesn't make any sense. The distance between the toilet seat and the water well / bowl would have to be greater than a regular toilet[for his balls not to hit the water], but when I think of handicapped toilets, I think of a higher base/stem/pedestal. I don't see how a higher base would help his situation.

URL Propagated so fast, I fell off my chair!

Within minutes of purchasing www.bearstearnsspouse.com, the domain has propagated and the URL works! Incredible!

I have a new blog!!!

Bear Stearns Spouse - that's what I am.
The new blog is at http://bearstearnsspouse.blogspot.com/ or http://www.bearstearnspouse.com/

I just bought the domain for $10, it will be a few days before the second link will work.
My Bear Stearns spouse is probably not happy about the money spent, equivalent to one share of Bear. But I'm in a weird emotional state, so I'm allowed to give myself petty spendthrift indulgences.

Blog - safe haven

So I had to get up and speak in front of the entire company today. I usually dread it because I don't think I'm very good at it and it scares the bejesus out of me. I prefer to interact with people one or one or write blogs as forms of communication.

Another blog from Lost in Dixie

Here goes another post from my friend, Lost in Dixie:
While in the doctor's office waiting room, I half listened to the television and a commercial on charmin showed up. This commercial featured 2 cute polar bears--each with brooms swatting each others' asses... they said, and this was offensive--you don't want "bits"--use charmin this is so disgusting!! who the hell gets bits unless you have a hairy AH
yet the fact that they chose "bears" indicates that they are a) appealing to men with hairy AHs--or who are as hairy as a bear b) children who think they are cute, will giggle, and then point to the screen.

My assessment is that "bits" is referring to lint (which would be totally relevant to bring up in a toilet paper commercial and if your AH is hairy, it could make a linty situation worse, but it's a problem even for people with bald AHs), not pieces of shit (I assume Dixie is grossed out because she thinks "bits" are pieces of shits?!)

But I'm going to have say that I don't want my blog to become a farce: an open forum to talk about your shit!